I never planned to be
the mother of an only child. In fact, I had planned to have three children: two boys
and a girl. The boys were going to be Joshua and Jacob; the baby girl was going
to be Elizabeth Ann.
Life never goes as planned.
I spent the first six months
of my pregnancy terrified that I
was going to have a little girl. Despite being
the oldest of three girls, I was certain that I
would not know how to raise one (especially, if she behaved like I did as a
teenager).
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| You can see the trouble on my face at 17. |
Mothers often get those odd "mommy senses" and I
knew that the child in my belly was not a Joshua. The night before the
ultrasound to determine the sex, "Danny's Song" by Loggins and
Messina. Upon hearing the following verse,
I began to weep in the car:
"Pisces, Virgo rising is
a very good sign,
Strong and kind,
And the little boy is mine.
Now I see a family where the
once was none.
Now we've just begun.
Yeah, we're gonna fly to the
sun."
It was mostly hormonal,
I know. However,
there was an overwhelming sense of love while his dad and I sat in the car
and sang along with the song. We were also broke, so that hit home quite a bit.
We already knew that our child was going to be a Pisces (although, he just
missed Virgo rising and was a Pisces, Gemini rising for those that believe that
matters). It was time to figure out a boy's
name...just in case.
The doctor confirmed that I
was carrying a little boy the next day. He was named Michael. I relaxed at the thoughts of frogs and Tonka trucks in
place of bows and tea parties. I still figured that a little princess would
come into my life some day.
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| I have no idea how they could tell. |
Again, life never goes as planned.
I am now officially the "ONE AND DONE" mom. I am perfectly content with that title, but
what I worry about is the dreaded
"Baby Boy/Peter Pan" syndrome.
I have been married twice,
and both of my ex-husbands were
only children. My beloved aunt was also a "ONE AND DONE" to an only child. Ex #1 was raised by a single
mom,
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| Roo's Dad = Ex #1 |
Ex# 2 was by a single mom turned military wife, and my cousin was raised by a military wife. All
three scenarios created an environment
where the mother was primary adult. Each mother (and I say this with all the
love in the world) was on some level
overbearing, overprotective, and/or overly involved. All of them love their
sons tremendously and did whatever they thought would be best for each child in
their own way.
While I have nothing negative
to say about these three men as adults, I
can confirm that they all struggled to overcome the "Baby Boy/Peter
Pan" syndrome. In fact, I am not
sure that my evil ginger cousin has
outgrown it, but I will give him the benefit of
the doubt.
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| Evil Ginger/Only Child/Cousin |
None of their mothers wanted their sons to have periods in
their adult life of immaturity and co-dependency. It happened. I had heard the
motivational speaker Andy Andrews state that parents should not be trying to raise good kids, but rather great adults. Having
grown up in Little Rock, I was well aware of the philosophy of Catholic High
School for Boys; their goal was to help create healthy men, husbands, and
fathers. My momma-mission was similar.
So, what am I doing
that my aunt and my two ex-mother-in-laws did to create Baby Boys/Peter Pans?
Too BLASTED much. Too over-protective/over-bearing/overly
involved? Take your pick. There is such a
thin line that it is hard to say.
My wonderful aunt
always said, “I know that kids can do things for themselves, but why should
they?” She and my father how a major disagreement because I was capable of making my own breakfast when I was four years old. She thought that I should have a freshly
made breakfast; whereas my single father felt
that climbing on the counter and making a bowl of cereal was sufficient. As
much as I loved the attention that my aunt bestowed upon me, scaling the counter was always fun.
My son is only 7, but
he prefers fantasy to known reality. He also states that he, "never wants
to grow up." Sigh.
I stay torn between
"letting a kid be a kid" and pushing him towards independence. As a
newly single mom, my perspective has
started to changed. In the adjustments that have had to occur, I have had to reevaluate who I am as a mom. I do not have the luxury of creating the
"perfectly magical" childhood that I so desperately want to give him.
On a side note, Bunmi Laditan published a fantastic article about
all the insane things that moms today are doing to provide that for their
children, even though it isn't necessary for a happy childhood. It is titled “I am Done Making My Kid's Childhood Magical” and it is worth the read!!!
Kathy Caprino wrote "7 CripplingParenting Behaviors that Keep Children from Growing into Leaders" and
while it is yet to be determined if my son will be some great leader, I do know
that I don't want him to be dependent and unsure of himself.
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| He looks like a potential leader of North Korea. |
Both articles provide insight that is helpful to most parents.
Using Caprino's 7 Behavior Traits as a guide, I am going to face
the hard reality of how my actions
as a single mom of impact my only child and his development into a productive adults.
1. We don’t let our children experience risk
Roo is a scaredy
cat! His father and I were both dare devils, so it has been frustrating to
watch him resist doing fun things. While he is improving, he still has break downs over new things. This may be because he was a little too young
and unprepared when I took him on a
Tilt-a-Whirl. In fact, he says that ride ruined the State Fair forever.
I have been one of the
worst about letting him experience risk. I
am a worry wart. While I did not go crazy
baby-proofing everything completely, I
certainly monitored him continuously. This never stopped. Infants and toddlers need much monitoring, but at some point between then and now, I should have at least let him go to other rooms by himself for more than three nano-seconds. When I started trying to create an environment of independence a year or so
ago, I was met with great resistance.
In
fact, he still wants me to brush my teeth with him. At his father's house, he is
very independent. Welcome to a mommy-created problem.
2. We rescue too quickly
Boy, howdy!!! I was
always pretty good about telling him to "shake it off" when there was
a minor injury. I am, sadly, very weak when it comes to any perceived
unfairness dealt to him by his
teachers, other adults, and older children. As an educator, I KNOW BETTER!!! I have been on the other end of that conference table, but it doesn't stop the "Momma Bear" from
defending her "precious little angel" who could not have possibly done anything wrong.
I have worked on this for
about a year, too. I discovered
that "precious little angel" told a nun at his school that I was "too
poor" to give him money for the book
fair. She responded by sending me the
nicest letter that not only offered prayer, but financial assistance.
The devil
was ALIVE AND WELL
when I read that
letter from that nun because, in reality, he lost the option to
participate in the book fair because of his behavior, not money.
As for the older and meaner kids, I still find myself infuriate
with parents who don’t notice that their
children are little jerks. “Boys will be boys” does not work when your child is
3 years older, 20 pounds heavier, and at
least 6 inches taller. This always makes
for tense situations on the playground. I
look like an overprotective child of a mama’s boy
and I view them as irresponsible for
their budding bully.
3. We rave too easily
I don't subscribe to the idea
that "every child gets a trophy" philosophy. In fact, I think that is utter garbage.
Here I
am, the mother that consistently praises
every little thing that her child does. I could
psycho-babble many reasons why I do this based on my childhood, but my
childhood insecurities should not be overcompensated for in my own child. At
this rate, his head will be so inflated by the time he is 10 that I will be
required to hire a demolition team to get his head out of the door.
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