Mommy Monday: One Son and Done Part 1 of 2

I never planned to be the mother of an only child. In fact, I had planned to have three children: two boys and a girl. The boys were going to be Joshua and Jacob; the baby girl was going to be Elizabeth Ann.

Life never goes as planned.

I spent the first six months of my pregnancy terrified that I was going to have a little girl. Despite being the oldest of three girls, I was certain that I would not know how to raise one (especially, if she behaved like I did as a teenager). 

You can see the trouble on my face at 17.

Mothers often get those odd "mommy senses" and I knew that the child in my belly was not a Joshua. The night before the ultrasound to determine the sex, "Danny's Song" by Loggins and Messina. Upon hearing the following verse, I began to weep in the car:

"Pisces, Virgo rising is a very good sign,

Strong and kind,

And the little boy is mine.

Now I see a family where the once was none.

Now we've just begun.

Yeah, we're gonna fly to the sun."

It was mostly hormonal, I know. However, there was an overwhelming sense of love while his dad and I sat in the car and sang along with the song. We were also broke, so that hit home quite a bit. We already knew that our child was going to be a Pisces (although, he just missed Virgo rising and was a Pisces, Gemini rising for those that believe that matters). It was time to figure out a boy's name...just in case.

The doctor confirmed that I was carrying a little boy the next day. He was named Michael. I relaxed at the thoughts of frogs and Tonka trucks in place of bows and tea parties. I still figured that a little princess would come into my life some day.

I have no idea how they could tell. 

Again, life never goes as planned.

I am now officially the "ONE AND DONE" mom. I am perfectly content with that title, but what I worry about is the dreaded "Baby Boy/Peter Pan" syndrome.

I have been married twice, and both of my ex-husbands were only children. My beloved aunt was also a "ONE AND DONE" to an only child. Ex #1 was raised by a single mom,

Roo's Dad = Ex #1

Ex# 2 was by a single mom turned military wife, and my cousin was raised by a military wife. All three scenarios created an environment where the mother was primary adult. Each mother (and I say this with all the love in the world) was on some level overbearing, overprotective, and/or overly involved. All of them love their sons tremendously and did whatever they thought would be best for each child in their own way.

While I have nothing negative to say about these three men as adults, I can confirm that they all struggled to overcome the "Baby Boy/Peter Pan" syndrome. In fact, I am not sure that my evil ginger cousin has outgrown it, but I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

Evil Ginger/Only Child/Cousin 

None of their mothers wanted their sons to have periods in their adult life of immaturity and co-dependency. It happened. I had heard the motivational speaker Andy Andrews state that parents should not be trying to raise good kids, but rather great adults. Having grown up in Little Rock, I was well aware of the philosophy of Catholic High School for Boys; their goal was to help create healthy men, husbands, and fathers. My momma-mission was similar.

So, what am I doing that my aunt and my two ex-mother-in-laws did to create Baby Boys/Peter Pans?

Too BLASTED much. Too over-protective/over-bearing/overly involved? Take your pick. There is such a thin line that it is hard to say.

My wonderful aunt always said, “I know that kids can do things for themselves, but why should they?” She and my father how a major disagreement because I was capable of making my own breakfast when I was four years old. She thought that I should have a freshly made breakfast; whereas my single father felt that climbing on the counter and making a bowl of cereal was sufficient. As much as I loved the attention that my aunt bestowed upon me, scaling the counter was always fun.

My son is only 7, but he prefers fantasy to known reality. He also states that he, "never wants to grow up." Sigh.

I stay torn between "letting a kid be a kid" and pushing him towards independence. As a newly single mom, my perspective has started to changed. In the adjustments that have had to occur, I have had to reevaluate who I am as a mom. I do not have the luxury of creating the "perfectly magical" childhood that I so desperately want to give him.

On a side note,  Bunmi Laditan published a fantastic article about all the insane things that moms today are doing to provide that for their children, even though it isn't necessary for a happy childhood. It is titled “I am Done Making My Kid's Childhood Magical” and it is worth the read!!!  

Kathy Caprino wrote "7 CripplingParenting Behaviors that Keep Children from Growing into Leaders" and while it is yet to be determined if my son will be some great leader, I do know that I don't want him to be dependent and unsure of himself.

He looks like a potential leader of North Korea.

Both articles provide insight that is helpful to most parents.

Using Caprino's 7 Behavior Traits as a guide, I am going to face the hard reality of how my actions as a single mom of impact my only child and his development into a productive adults.

1. We don’t let our children experience risk

Roo is a scaredy cat! His father and I were both dare devils, so it has been frustrating to watch him resist doing fun things. While he is improving, he still has break downs over new things. This may be because he was a little too young and unprepared when I took him on a Tilt-a-Whirl. In fact, he says that ride ruined the State Fair forever.

I have been one of the worst about letting him experience risk. I am a worry wart. While I did not go crazy baby-proofing everything completely, I certainly monitored him continuously. This never stopped. Infants and toddlers need much monitoring, but at some point between then and now, I should have at least let him go to other rooms by himself for more than three nano-seconds. When I started trying to create an environment of independence a year or so ago, I was met with great resistance. 

In fact, he still wants me to brush my teeth with him. At his father's house, he is very independent. Welcome to a mommy-created problem. 

2. We rescue too quickly

Boy, howdy!!! I was always pretty good about telling him to "shake it off" when there was a minor injury. I am, sadly, very weak when it comes to any perceived unfairness dealt to him by his teachers, other adults, and older children. As an educator, I KNOW BETTER!!! I have been on the other end of that conference table, but it doesn't stop the "Momma Bear" from defending her "precious little angel" who could not have possibly done anything wrong.

I have worked on this for about a year, too. I discovered that "precious little angel" told a nun at his school that I was "too poor" to give him money for the book fair. She responded by sending me the nicest letter that not only offered prayer, but financial assistance. 

The devil was ALIVE AND WELL 

when I read that letter from that nun because, in reality, he lost the option to participate in the book fair because of his behavior, not money.

As for the older and meaner kids, I still find myself infuriate with parents who don’t notice that their children are little jerks. “Boys will be boys” does not work when your child is 3 years older, 20 pounds heavier, and at least 6 inches taller. This always makes for tense situations on the playground. I look like an overprotective child of a mama’s boy and I view them as irresponsible for their budding bully.

3. We rave too easily

I don't subscribe to the idea that "every child gets a trophy" philosophy. In fact, I think that is utter garbage. 

Here I am, the mother that consistently praises every little thing that her child does. I could psycho-babble many reasons why I do this based on my childhood, but my childhood insecurities should not be overcompensated for in my own child. At this rate, his head will be so inflated by the time he is 10 that I will be required to hire a demolition team to get his head out of the door.

UNTIL NEXT TIME,


LOVE LOUDLY!!!!

Mommy Monday: After the Divorce

I very recently got divorced for the second time. My first marriage, the one that resulted in my beautiful boy, could be a full novel; the short of it is that we were married entirely too young. Rarely does marriage work in this country, but the odds of two 20 year olds making it “till death do us part” is almost silly. By the time we were 30, we were very different people.

My son was 2 years old when we divorced, so he has no memory of his father and I being together. His father married his childhood sweetheart and I married an old college friend within two months of each other around a year after our divorced was finalized.

My son has seen a relationship forged between his parents that is based on his best interest and being co-parents. All of us, step-parents included, worked very hard and through many challenges to come to a place where we could co-parents and friends.

When I got married the second time, it was an impulsive elopement after a romantic weekend in Eureka Springs. Although I was nervous, I felt that it was a practical match built on a strong friendship with love. Where I am an emotional, bleeding-heart, extroverted loudmouth, he was stoic, calm, reserved, and an extreme introvert. Focusing on an Austen-esque mentality, I thought for sure that it was a “prudent” match.

 There is only one Darcy and he will forever be the fictional love of my life. 

After a short four years of marriage, it was not a prudent match at all and we made the choice to return to being friends. Yes, I am probably one of the friendliest ex-wives in the South.

My current Austen-esque mentality

Through all that, my little boy had lost someone from his life and it had to be dealt with quickly. I will forever advocate co-parenting if possible because his father and step-mother helped in ways that I couldn't begin to imagine. Although my kid was sad and had to adjust, he also had already been given the basic answers that he needed, which were:

•  You will forever have the love of your mom and dad.
• Divorce is never a child’s fault.  
• Things will change, but it will be okay. 
• When you feel sad or angry, let someone know.

To say that it was immediately the easiest adjustment would be a lie.  There were many tears, fits of anger, manipulations, clingy tactics, mild regression, and typical responses to losing a step-dad with whom he was very close.

My support team (my parents, friends, and my boy’s co-parents) helped me to maintain consistency with enforcing rules and not caving to negative behavior. This seems like a no-brainer, but it takes conscious effort in the middle of a divorce. Part of that is because you are in your own post-divorce haze and part of it is because you want to take your child’s hurt away.

Falling into that haze, encouraging bad behavior, and reinforcing the regressive behavior would do nothing, but prolong the effects of the big life change.

I think we all try our best as parents and it will take many years to see how it turns out. Every day is different and a challenge, but I hope that my son learns that life is pretty much that way and you just have to do your best.

The things that I learned through this process are:

• Some days are good; some days are not. It doesn’t make you a failure as a parent.
• Use your support system, especially when they are blunted.
•  Love yourself because your child is instinctively aware of your hurt no matter how much you smile and hide it.
• Be present.

Until Next Time,

LOVE LOUDLY!!!

Out of Context: Movies in the Park: Parenting 101

One of the things that I look most forward to in the oppressively muggy summers in Little Rock is the Riverfront spectacular known as Movies in the Park. Having to combat monster mosquitos and lapsing into dehydration every hour are small prices to pay for this weekly summer event.  It is free; it is entertaining, and it is set at the beautiful river bank of the Arkansas River. You can bring a picnic dinner and relax while your child is simply going bonkers seeing their favorite cartoon on the big screen without being restricted to a seat. Plus, the program also often takes can and dry food donations for local charities. What is there not to love?

Movies in the Park Website

This year's schedule was released and for the most part, I am excited.

• ·         June 11 - Man of Steel (PG 13)
• ·         June 18 - Office Space (R)
• ·         June 25 - Eat Pray love (PG 13)
• ·         July 2 - Frozen (PG)
• ·         July 9 - Harry Potter & The Sorcerer's Stone (PG)
• ·         July 16: The Hunger Games (PG 13)
• ·         July 23 - Friday Night Lights (PG 13)
• ·         July 30 - E.T. the Extra Terrestrial (PG)

My child is at an age where I do not bat an eye at PG movies. He is a rowdy, comic-book loving boy, so we work with the PG-13 for certain superhero movies.

There are some great movies this year.

http://tjhouston.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/ET.jpg

However, there are some movies that are questionable. I completely believe that there should be options for people who do not wish to see "kid" movies, so don't misunderstand my frustration.

There are parents everywhere that have no issue exposing their children to adult material or are too unaware of the content of a movie that is rated R (There is this lovely thing called Google, people! Use it!).

You know that there are people that will bring their kids to the R movies. I imagine the conversation being something like, "Oh! Little Johnny isn't even paying attention. He just wants to run around and blow bubbles."

Those moms grow up to be like the Oblivious Mom meme.

Really? Is that what you think happens? That mentality is why children go to their pre-school or elementary school mimicking "The O face" and Jennifer Aniston's finger gestures that show her "flair" for her job in Office Space. If you take them to see Friday Night Lights, be prepared for them to be scared of their coaches or worried that their father will comment on the physical development of a girl when they eventually get caught making out with someone.

Yes, this is Tim McGraw playing a drunk, abusive father. 

Are these things that you truly want your school age children to learn?  Certainly not. In most cases, when a teacher would call to address such behavior, a parent is likely to say, “Well, Little Johnny didn’t learn that at home. What are the other kids doing at school?” Parents tend to forget the minor details of a rated R movie that they thought their child wasn’t paying attention to when their precious does their own production of the movie in October. 

I say this as a mother whose child hummed "The Imperial March" in front of a priest while a reenactment of Jesus carrying the Cross was taking place during a live version of The Stations of the Cross (this same child asked the same priest if Yoda was God and wants to tell the whole school about Hellboy because, as my son puts it, "He was born a demon, but became a Catholic.").

I also say this as a teacher who often sees and hears many things that your child would not dare do in front of you. 

Most parents, I believe, genuinely try to raise the best kid possible. I have never heard a parent say that they wanted their kid to flip off their 2nd grade teacher or behave sexually by 4th grade. It comes down to being responsible for knowing what the content is before you go to the movies, and some parents seem to forget that when everyone just wants to get out of the house and enjoy a free event.

I love Office Space (I have a red Swingline stapler on my desk) and I enjoyed Friday Night Lights.

This is almost exactly how I look on most prep periods. I love my stapler. 

I am glad that adult options are available because not everyone has kids and for those of us that do, we want a date night occasionally without trying to shield a child's eyes and ears or having our spilled adult beverage ruining our pretty summer dress because some other parent is letting their kid is run around like a wild banshee.

I hope everyone enjoys Movies at the Park. My family certainly will. However, if you cannot find a babysitter on June 18th and July 23rd, then stay at home and make your own movie night for the sake of everyone involved. Most of all, to keep your child a little more innocent for a little while longer.

Until next time, 

BE LOUDER THAN MOST!