Mommy Monday: After the Divorce

I very recently got divorced for the second time. My first marriage, the one that resulted in my beautiful boy, could be a full novel; the short of it is that we were married entirely too young. Rarely does marriage work in this country, but the odds of two 20 year olds making it “till death do us part” is almost silly. By the time we were 30, we were very different people.

My son was 2 years old when we divorced, so he has no memory of his father and I being together. His father married his childhood sweetheart and I married an old college friend within two months of each other around a year after our divorced was finalized.

My son has seen a relationship forged between his parents that is based on his best interest and being co-parents. All of us, step-parents included, worked very hard and through many challenges to come to a place where we could co-parents and friends.

When I got married the second time, it was an impulsive elopement after a romantic weekend in Eureka Springs. Although I was nervous, I felt that it was a practical match built on a strong friendship with love. Where I am an emotional, bleeding-heart, extroverted loudmouth, he was stoic, calm, reserved, and an extreme introvert. Focusing on an Austen-esque mentality, I thought for sure that it was a “prudent” match.

 There is only one Darcy and he will forever be the fictional love of my life. 

After a short four years of marriage, it was not a prudent match at all and we made the choice to return to being friends. Yes, I am probably one of the friendliest ex-wives in the South.

My current Austen-esque mentality

Through all that, my little boy had lost someone from his life and it had to be dealt with quickly. I will forever advocate co-parenting if possible because his father and step-mother helped in ways that I couldn't begin to imagine. Although my kid was sad and had to adjust, he also had already been given the basic answers that he needed, which were:

•  You will forever have the love of your mom and dad.
• Divorce is never a child’s fault.  
• Things will change, but it will be okay. 
• When you feel sad or angry, let someone know.

To say that it was immediately the easiest adjustment would be a lie.  There were many tears, fits of anger, manipulations, clingy tactics, mild regression, and typical responses to losing a step-dad with whom he was very close.

My support team (my parents, friends, and my boy’s co-parents) helped me to maintain consistency with enforcing rules and not caving to negative behavior. This seems like a no-brainer, but it takes conscious effort in the middle of a divorce. Part of that is because you are in your own post-divorce haze and part of it is because you want to take your child’s hurt away.

Falling into that haze, encouraging bad behavior, and reinforcing the regressive behavior would do nothing, but prolong the effects of the big life change.

I think we all try our best as parents and it will take many years to see how it turns out. Every day is different and a challenge, but I hope that my son learns that life is pretty much that way and you just have to do your best.

The things that I learned through this process are:

• Some days are good; some days are not. It doesn’t make you a failure as a parent.
• Use your support system, especially when they are blunted.
•  Love yourself because your child is instinctively aware of your hurt no matter how much you smile and hide it.
• Be present.

Until Next Time,

LOVE LOUDLY!!!

Blended Family: Waffle House Inspiration: Revisited

This was posted originally on January 17, 2011 by exwifenextwife blog, which is now Louder Than Most Women. I feel passionately about trying to create the best situation for children in all cases, especially divorce. As this was written over 3 years ago, there will be an update on the how this philosophy has worked for me outside of a mere theory. However, the back story has to be revisited.

In late 1997, I was a low-level hooligan. I wasn't old enough for the bars, but I certainly spent my fair share of post "ugly lights" time at the local Waffle House. I went to drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, flirt with slightly older, drunken men and torment my boyfriend in one fashion or another. 

At no point during that time was I considering that the future would hold a marriage, a child, a divorce, and step-parents. Not once did it occur to me that the lady in yellow and brown polyester would share a wisdom through her life experience that would impact my ideas of raising a child in a divorced home.

No one gets married thinking that one day they will get divorced. No one holds their child in their arms for the first time and thinks, "When your daddy and I divorce, I am going to do my best to get along well with your step-mom." 

My only thoughts were of love and happiness that day. 

But more than that, I do not think any woman reacts to the news that her Ex Husband plans to marry the "love of his life" with the thought of a 12 year old conversation with a Waffle House waitress.

I think her name was Debbie. She had severely bleached hair with harsh roots. She was obviously once a dazzling woman, but years of grease splatters, smoky rooms, and natural tanning had taken a toll on her. I knew that her husband was the manager of the local Waffle House and that her best friend, a plump brunette, was a fellow waitress. In my naive and limited world, I viewed all of them as sad souls with nothing more to offer than coffee and scrambled eggs (slightly burned).

When I had overheard her planning her child's birthday party, I realized that she, her manager/husband, waitress/best friend, and all of their kids lived in the same house. Having just gotten my first apartment and taste of freedom, the thought of sharing a home with that many people was too much for my 18-year mouth to refrain from commenting on. I asked, "How can you stand that many people in your house? I know she is your best friend, but don't you like private time?" She smiled a toothy smile and said, "Sweetie, that is the mother of my child's brothers and sister. I can't let her be homeless and all the kids get to grow up with their father."

Now remember, I was naive and stupid in my limited world, so it is understandable when I said, "Oh! Are y'all polygamists?" In her street-wise manner, she said, "I don't even know what that is, but I do know that family is forever. My best friend is my husband's ex-wife." WHAT!!! Hold the coffee!!! "You mean to tell me that you would let someone stay in your house that your husband used to sleep with? Are you crazy?" She laughed and explained that their previous marriage had nothing left but a friendship and wonderful children. She told me that she trusted them both, but that more importantly, she maintained a philosophy about how she wanted to raise her children. She even added "You would be surprised how much an Ex Wife and a Next Wife have in common." Yup! She was nuts. I imagined some sort of perversion or dysfunction was occurring in that house, but I listened politely, as I did not want to get my bacon served raw.

Debbie went on to explain that she did not hate, dislike, distrust, or have any other emotions that overruled the love she had for her child or her willingness to work her hardest to give her child a full life. Shirley believed that her child had the right to love The Ex-Wife because she was the mother of her children's brother and sister. To her, that was blessing enough. She chose to focus on family and love instead of jealousy and the past.

I left around 2 a.m. that morning thinking that those Waffle House workers needed to step away from the heat of the grill and get a reality check. After all, hostile work environments (have you been to a Waffle House on a Saturday night?) and dehydration can cause confusion and mental instability. I threw that conversation in the "junk pile" of my mind and did not think of it until 2009.

So, when I realized that The Next Wife was going to be a part of my life, I remembered Debbie and decided to develop my own philosophy about raising a child in a split family.

My  #1 Rule of Blended Families – Love your child more than you hate anyone else.

My next blended family related blog will be – Robert Burns Warned Us about "Best Laid Plans"

Until next time, BE LOUDER THAN MOST!!!!