Losing Yourself in Giving to Others

When I was going through my second divorce, I decided that I needed some serious counselor to understand why I have seemed to fail so miserably.

Oddly enough, my therapist suggested that I was too much of a "giver" in my relationships. I laughed at her as I remembered all the times that I threw a tantrum when I didn't get the attention that I wanted from my spouse, all the times that I took a nap instead of cleaning the house, and all the times that I focused on my friends, career, and child instead of nurturing my marriage (well, marriages).

Furthermore, there were all the times that I could have been less selfish to my family and peers. During my days as a hooligan, I was often self-serving.

After telling her that she was a couple of sentences shy of being a quack, she convinced me to explore this idea.

I wasn't quite Machiavellian, but I was nowhere close to Mother Teresa. The best way that I can describe it is in terms of Anakin Skywalker.

Life was hard when I was young. I far too aware of the ugly in the world and I was frequently bullied. As fear, anger, and sadness made my heart dark, I turned into a defensive and hateful being at times.

Yet, like Anakin/Vader, I had a love that lingered beneath the chains of the Sith.

I had little moments of giving throughout my life.

For example, my biological father made the trip to Arkansas once and he bought me some new shoes. A little girl who was raised by a single mother in our apartment complex did not have nice things. She admired my new shoes and asked to try them on for a minute. After seeing how happy they made her, I told her to keep them. My mother was floored and touched at the same time. I still wore my ragged shoes until it was time to get new ones.

As a friend, I was always the protector. Because I had no issue being a villain in the cafeteria, I would take out anyone that upset my close friends with either rhetoric or my fist. For many years, I thought that I was doing a noble service.

Eventually, I had a change of heart. After years of watching the women in my family give to those in need (that's just want good Southern women do), I began to slowly make positive changes in my life.

I visualize the change in my heart as that of The Grinch.

This is great, right? Not necessarily. I went from one extreme to the other. When I started teaching, I ended up in situations where I would do the work of others, only to get through under the bus when the lessons weren't so great or to have all credit stripped from me completely. I have had two marriages that where "give and take" wasn't the mentality, but rather an "all or nothing" way of life.

I scrambled often to find a balance and I did not.

After my second marriage finally crumbled, an event that had been coming since before our nuptials, I went overboard on the giving.

None of the giving, gave me what I needed.

I gave tremendously of myself, my time, my heart, and my worry. I gave a handful of friends loans to help them in their struggles. I bought products to help people become more healthy and feel better. I made little crafts, I created little events.

I got nothing in return, nor were the loans ever repaid (even though I am a single mom that lives on a teacher's income).

Pity party time, right? Nah. 

It was lessons well-learned. I have to be wiser with what I give and to whom I give.

There are those that will always prey upon you during low points in your life: divorce, grieving, job loss, etc. They are always dressed up as friends and as people who want to help you in life somehow. These people know how to convince you that you are valued in their life, even if their hand wasn't somehow in your pocket. Yet, it is that "dog-eat-dog" mentality of which many Americans have become so accepting.

After depleting my financial buffer in helping people that I cared about and trying to get repayment for the money that I had given during that time, I realized that those people only cared about themselves in that moment and I simply gave them an opportunity to use. I had done this in various ways for most of my life.

Are there people who appreciate me? Are their people that help me in times of need? Absolutely. In fact, I have some of the most supportive and loving people in my life that one could ask for.

It was new people and the ones that pop in and out that were taking to the point of my emotional and financial detriment. It was never the ones who have consistently been a part of my life.

At the end of the day, I think giving to others is good for the soul. I will continue to find ways to give to others and others who will sincerely benefit from whatever I have to give.

Until Next Time,



LOVE LOUDLY!!!

Mommy Monday: In Honor of a Single Dad

In Honor of a Single Dad: Steven Young

Steve Young and Angie Dawn

The first single father that I ever knew was Steven Young; he was the full custodial parent of three children. His daughter Angie is my childhood/forever best friend. I busted into their lives in 1988 and have been a part of their family ever since.

I was at his house almost every weekend (as long as I wasn't grounded and after I finished my chores).  I was so fascinated with him when I was little. He was a police officer, so I imagined his life was like Miami Vice without the cool clothes. He was strict, yet funny. He loved to talk about genealogy and the law, but most of all he loved his children tremendously and raised them during a time period when fathers had even fewer rights than they do now.

He would give witty advice that didn't make much sense at the time, but lingered until it applied to a situation. 

My absolute favorite memory of Mr. Young happened on a fall night in 1992. I don’t remember where we were going in his red sports car, but I do remember the tween squeal that Angie and I shared when Whitney Houston’s version of “I Will Always Love You” came on the radio. 

Upon realizing what the song was, Mr. Young said, “Angie Dawn, Daddy’s gonna have you and your friend listen to the real song. You girls need to know what good music sounds like.” He played Dolly’s original and could not understand why we didn't find it as wonderful as he did. Angie and I made fun of Dolly’s warbled monologue/song the whole night.

Mr. Steven Young, a rare father of that era, passed away yesterday. He was surrounded by the children that he loved so much and raised the best that he could. I like to imagine that he has already used his charm and cowboy boots to get a date with a sweet, little Angel…..undoubtedly slow dancing to Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You.”

His passing caused me to reflect on the struggles of a single parent.

Let me ask you this: How often do we hear about single fathers? 

They are out there and struggling just like the single mothers, but things are slightly uneven. 

Look at the information below:

• Custodial mothers who receive a support award: 79.6%
• Custodial fathers who receive a support award: 29.9%
• Non-custodial mothers who totally default on support: 46.9%
• Non-custodial fathers who totally default on support: 26.9%

Source: Technical Analysis Paper No. 42, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Income Security Policy, Oct. 1991, Authors: Meyer and Garansky.

This is ridiculous, ladies!!!

Our society often talks about the plight of the single mother. Trust me when I say that it is not an easy task. Yet, it seems that too many women spend time causing drama with their exes instead of working with them and rarely do I hear a woman give her ex any credit for his contributions.

I am the full custodial parent of my son; however, knowing the value of a father, I have NEVER used my child and his time with his father as a method of attack or manipulation. I never will. One of the biggest reasons that I started blogging was to have a space to advocate for co-parenting because this little guy below, along with every other child of divorced parents, deserves that effort.

My ex-husband, his wife, and I make major decisions about our son’s life together. I am very flexible about visitation; my ex-husband and his wife have always been willing to help when I needed it (most amazingly in my recent divorce, for the record). We create plans for handling various situations like behavior problems or academic struggles. We sit together at events that my son is involved in to show him that our love for him has a solid foundation. We also try to respect all parties involved and show appreciation for the other household’s effort and willingness to work together.

This should be happening more in our society.

Has it always been easy? Heck no!!! We have had to work very hard.  My son’s father and I have been divorced for over 5 years and he has been married to his childhood sweetheart for 4 years. We all knew that we wanted to give the best that we could. We had to cry and fight through many misunderstandings, disagreements, and pigheadedness (mainly on my part: Oink! Oink!). 

WE NEVER GAVE UP!!! 

I never gave up because I knew how important it was for my son to have a strong relationship with his father. My son's well-being has always been more important than my pride. 

Regardless of any disagreement, we have never taken the vindictive route that many parents take: false accusations of abuse to DHS, unnecessary custody battles, manipulating our child by “planting bad seeds” or coaxing our child into talking badly about the other parent in a sad attempt to get information that is real, exaggerated, or fabricated.

It has been my personal and unfortunate experience to meet many women (and one disgustingly awful man) that have participated in this kind of emotional abuse and retaliation. All I can say  is that if you have done any of this, then you need to stop immediately. You may not think that you are hurting your child, but you are. 

We do the mature thing of communicating openly and honestly and working together. 

If your child's other parent tries hard to work with you, respect and honor that. We haven't always been perfect about that ourselves, but because we continue to try, our son thrives. 

The best thing that you can give your child is a healthy and respectful relationship with their other parent. I could have written about how fathers should respect and help single moms, but with my best friend's dad passing, I wanted to advocate for the other side. It so rarely happens that we honor the single dads who are busting their tails just as much as the single moms out there.

Just in case anyone forgot, FATHERS ARE IMPORTANT. 

Children from fatherless homes account for:

• 63% of youth suicides. (Source: US Dept. of Health & Human Services, Bureau of the Census).
• 71% of pregnant teenagers. (Source: US Dept. of Health & Human Services)
• 90% of all homeless and runaway children.
• 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)
• 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders. (Source: Center for Disease Control).
• 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger. (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol. 14, p. 403-26, 1978).
• 71% of all high school dropouts. (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools).
• 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers. (Source: Rainbows for all God`s Children).
• 85% of all youths sitting in prisons. (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992).

In parting, I hope this post honors the life, love, and memory of Steve Young - a dedicated single father. 

Until Next Time, 

LOVE LOUDLY!!!

Mommy Monday: After the Divorce

I very recently got divorced for the second time. My first marriage, the one that resulted in my beautiful boy, could be a full novel; the short of it is that we were married entirely too young. Rarely does marriage work in this country, but the odds of two 20 year olds making it “till death do us part” is almost silly. By the time we were 30, we were very different people.

My son was 2 years old when we divorced, so he has no memory of his father and I being together. His father married his childhood sweetheart and I married an old college friend within two months of each other around a year after our divorced was finalized.

My son has seen a relationship forged between his parents that is based on his best interest and being co-parents. All of us, step-parents included, worked very hard and through many challenges to come to a place where we could co-parents and friends.

When I got married the second time, it was an impulsive elopement after a romantic weekend in Eureka Springs. Although I was nervous, I felt that it was a practical match built on a strong friendship with love. Where I am an emotional, bleeding-heart, extroverted loudmouth, he was stoic, calm, reserved, and an extreme introvert. Focusing on an Austen-esque mentality, I thought for sure that it was a “prudent” match.

 There is only one Darcy and he will forever be the fictional love of my life. 

After a short four years of marriage, it was not a prudent match at all and we made the choice to return to being friends. Yes, I am probably one of the friendliest ex-wives in the South.

My current Austen-esque mentality

Through all that, my little boy had lost someone from his life and it had to be dealt with quickly. I will forever advocate co-parenting if possible because his father and step-mother helped in ways that I couldn't begin to imagine. Although my kid was sad and had to adjust, he also had already been given the basic answers that he needed, which were:

•  You will forever have the love of your mom and dad.
• Divorce is never a child’s fault.  
• Things will change, but it will be okay. 
• When you feel sad or angry, let someone know.

To say that it was immediately the easiest adjustment would be a lie.  There were many tears, fits of anger, manipulations, clingy tactics, mild regression, and typical responses to losing a step-dad with whom he was very close.

My support team (my parents, friends, and my boy’s co-parents) helped me to maintain consistency with enforcing rules and not caving to negative behavior. This seems like a no-brainer, but it takes conscious effort in the middle of a divorce. Part of that is because you are in your own post-divorce haze and part of it is because you want to take your child’s hurt away.

Falling into that haze, encouraging bad behavior, and reinforcing the regressive behavior would do nothing, but prolong the effects of the big life change.

I think we all try our best as parents and it will take many years to see how it turns out. Every day is different and a challenge, but I hope that my son learns that life is pretty much that way and you just have to do your best.

The things that I learned through this process are:

• Some days are good; some days are not. It doesn’t make you a failure as a parent.
• Use your support system, especially when they are blunted.
•  Love yourself because your child is instinctively aware of your hurt no matter how much you smile and hide it.
• Be present.

Until Next Time,

LOVE LOUDLY!!!

Blended Family: Waffle House Inspiration: Revisited

This was posted originally on January 17, 2011 by exwifenextwife blog, which is now Louder Than Most Women. I feel passionately about trying to create the best situation for children in all cases, especially divorce. As this was written over 3 years ago, there will be an update on the how this philosophy has worked for me outside of a mere theory. However, the back story has to be revisited.

In late 1997, I was a low-level hooligan. I wasn't old enough for the bars, but I certainly spent my fair share of post "ugly lights" time at the local Waffle House. I went to drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, flirt with slightly older, drunken men and torment my boyfriend in one fashion or another. 

At no point during that time was I considering that the future would hold a marriage, a child, a divorce, and step-parents. Not once did it occur to me that the lady in yellow and brown polyester would share a wisdom through her life experience that would impact my ideas of raising a child in a divorced home.

No one gets married thinking that one day they will get divorced. No one holds their child in their arms for the first time and thinks, "When your daddy and I divorce, I am going to do my best to get along well with your step-mom." 

My only thoughts were of love and happiness that day. 

But more than that, I do not think any woman reacts to the news that her Ex Husband plans to marry the "love of his life" with the thought of a 12 year old conversation with a Waffle House waitress.

I think her name was Debbie. She had severely bleached hair with harsh roots. She was obviously once a dazzling woman, but years of grease splatters, smoky rooms, and natural tanning had taken a toll on her. I knew that her husband was the manager of the local Waffle House and that her best friend, a plump brunette, was a fellow waitress. In my naive and limited world, I viewed all of them as sad souls with nothing more to offer than coffee and scrambled eggs (slightly burned).

When I had overheard her planning her child's birthday party, I realized that she, her manager/husband, waitress/best friend, and all of their kids lived in the same house. Having just gotten my first apartment and taste of freedom, the thought of sharing a home with that many people was too much for my 18-year mouth to refrain from commenting on. I asked, "How can you stand that many people in your house? I know she is your best friend, but don't you like private time?" She smiled a toothy smile and said, "Sweetie, that is the mother of my child's brothers and sister. I can't let her be homeless and all the kids get to grow up with their father."

Now remember, I was naive and stupid in my limited world, so it is understandable when I said, "Oh! Are y'all polygamists?" In her street-wise manner, she said, "I don't even know what that is, but I do know that family is forever. My best friend is my husband's ex-wife." WHAT!!! Hold the coffee!!! "You mean to tell me that you would let someone stay in your house that your husband used to sleep with? Are you crazy?" She laughed and explained that their previous marriage had nothing left but a friendship and wonderful children. She told me that she trusted them both, but that more importantly, she maintained a philosophy about how she wanted to raise her children. She even added "You would be surprised how much an Ex Wife and a Next Wife have in common." Yup! She was nuts. I imagined some sort of perversion or dysfunction was occurring in that house, but I listened politely, as I did not want to get my bacon served raw.

Debbie went on to explain that she did not hate, dislike, distrust, or have any other emotions that overruled the love she had for her child or her willingness to work her hardest to give her child a full life. Shirley believed that her child had the right to love The Ex-Wife because she was the mother of her children's brother and sister. To her, that was blessing enough. She chose to focus on family and love instead of jealousy and the past.

I left around 2 a.m. that morning thinking that those Waffle House workers needed to step away from the heat of the grill and get a reality check. After all, hostile work environments (have you been to a Waffle House on a Saturday night?) and dehydration can cause confusion and mental instability. I threw that conversation in the "junk pile" of my mind and did not think of it until 2009.

So, when I realized that The Next Wife was going to be a part of my life, I remembered Debbie and decided to develop my own philosophy about raising a child in a split family.

My  #1 Rule of Blended Families – Love your child more than you hate anyone else.

My next blended family related blog will be – Robert Burns Warned Us about "Best Laid Plans"

Until next time, BE LOUDER THAN MOST!!!!