Blended Families: The Reality of the Waffle House Blended Family

“To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time ago.” 

― Roger Zelazny, Sign of the Unicorn

I was very naive in my perspective on co-parenting, a subject about which I am still passionate. Yet, I must eat some crow. 

First, let's back up. This particular Waffle House Theory of Blended Families has become a living blog of sorts due to the continuous changing through my personal journey. 

My whole premise of co-parenting and blended families came from experiences with how my biological parents interacted and The Waffle House Experience. In 1997, I never imagined that I would be a divorced parent. When I divorced in 2009, I never imagined that I would be a step-mother one day. I was content to live in my bubble of my relationship with my son and creating a positive blended family with his father, his bonus (step) mom, and his (step) sister. 

Yes. My Next-Wife-In-Law is my son's bonus mom and his step sister is his sister. That is our terminology and his feelings towards the both of them for the last five years. 

I felt really lucky because my son was so close to his new sister. I was, too, for that matter. It wasn't the easiest transition towards his bonus mom; in fact, he was down right awful to her in the beginning. 

I viewed her as a friend and a co-parent. Although my ex-husband and I were divorced and easily argued about things, I still felt that he was my friend and that, despite the marriage being over, I had an extended family. 

My motto was that "Family is Forever." At the time, that meant 24- hour access and communication with my ex-husband and his new wife whether it was good, bad, ugly, fun, or just boredom. 

And then, reality slapped me once again with....

"Between-Home Boundaries: Dealing with a Meddling Ex-Spouse" by Ron L. Deal . This article shook me up a bit and made me see things that I was not too happy about seeing in myself. The introduction of the article gives an example of a couple and their struggles with the Ex-Wife-in-Law. 

Deal writes, "Nicole never saw it coming. Since she had a respectful, decent working relationship with her ex-husband, she never anticipated how intrusive her fiancé’s ex-wife, Sharon, would be. While Nicole and Tom dated, Sharon seemed to keep her distance. Nicole naturally assumed that once she and Tom married, Sharon would decrease her texts, late night calls, and “show-up-at-the-front-door-unannounced” behavior. She was wrong. In fact, as soon as she and Tom were married, Sharon’s troubling behavior increased."

Upon reading this, I hung my head in shame. I had not given the space for them to grow and for us to find our natural groove. 

Boundaries eluded me. 

It carried on this way for years. 

Here are a couple of examples of my poor boundaries behavior:

• I would sometimes just stop by to visit or pick up something my son had forgotten.
• I would talk openly with both of them about personal things without gauging what topics were appropriate to discuss.  
• I would call or text any time of day or night for whatever reason. This included meal times and times that they were on dates. 

I wasn't trying to interrupt their life or be disrespectful to their marriage. Have we had our parenting tiffs? Of course. However, I was always happy that my son had stability and a whole new family that he loved. Yet, my actions seemed to silently speak the opposite of that sentiment. 

One would assume that the above boundaries would be easily understood by an Ex-Wife-in-Law (me). NOPE!!! It wasn't until I gathered a bit more experience that I realized how intrusive and demanding I had been. 

Lucky Me

My Next-Wife-in-Law has shown me a lot of grace and patience through my journey. I would like to think that because deep down she knows that I do genuinely care about her and her family; I also have a tremendous amount of respect for her on many levels. 

I swear that wasn't my goal, but I can laugh at myself. 

Our relationship, as dysfunctional as it may have been at times (especially with some crazy ex wife showing up at the door at the crack of dawn because her son forgot something...sorry), we never participated in actions that would hurt my son or his "sister from another mister." 

There weren't the horror stories of mind games, emotional blackmail, competitiveness, and attempts of parental alienation that you so frequently hear about from divorced parents. My Ex and my Next-Wife-in-Law have never lied about me to my son nor have their revealed things about my past (or theirs) that wasn't necessary for a child to know.  

The Journey Continues

As I have shifted into the role of a Next-Wife-in-Law, I have learned what a delicate situation blended families can be. 

As I move forward and learn something new about the complexities of families each day, all I can do is strive to do better and really respect boundaries. 

I can also be thankful that I was given such grace and hope that karma is kind to my backside. 

Until Next Time, 

LOVE LOUDLY!!!

Blended Family: Waffle House Inspiration: Revisited

This was posted originally on January 17, 2011 by exwifenextwife blog, which is now Louder Than Most Women. I feel passionately about trying to create the best situation for children in all cases, especially divorce. As this was written over 3 years ago, there will be an update on the how this philosophy has worked for me outside of a mere theory. However, the back story has to be revisited.

In late 1997, I was a low-level hooligan. I wasn't old enough for the bars, but I certainly spent my fair share of post "ugly lights" time at the local Waffle House. I went to drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, flirt with slightly older, drunken men and torment my boyfriend in one fashion or another. 

At no point during that time was I considering that the future would hold a marriage, a child, a divorce, and step-parents. Not once did it occur to me that the lady in yellow and brown polyester would share a wisdom through her life experience that would impact my ideas of raising a child in a divorced home.

No one gets married thinking that one day they will get divorced. No one holds their child in their arms for the first time and thinks, "When your daddy and I divorce, I am going to do my best to get along well with your step-mom." 

My only thoughts were of love and happiness that day. 

But more than that, I do not think any woman reacts to the news that her Ex Husband plans to marry the "love of his life" with the thought of a 12 year old conversation with a Waffle House waitress.

I think her name was Debbie. She had severely bleached hair with harsh roots. She was obviously once a dazzling woman, but years of grease splatters, smoky rooms, and natural tanning had taken a toll on her. I knew that her husband was the manager of the local Waffle House and that her best friend, a plump brunette, was a fellow waitress. In my naive and limited world, I viewed all of them as sad souls with nothing more to offer than coffee and scrambled eggs (slightly burned).

When I had overheard her planning her child's birthday party, I realized that she, her manager/husband, waitress/best friend, and all of their kids lived in the same house. Having just gotten my first apartment and taste of freedom, the thought of sharing a home with that many people was too much for my 18-year mouth to refrain from commenting on. I asked, "How can you stand that many people in your house? I know she is your best friend, but don't you like private time?" She smiled a toothy smile and said, "Sweetie, that is the mother of my child's brothers and sister. I can't let her be homeless and all the kids get to grow up with their father."

Now remember, I was naive and stupid in my limited world, so it is understandable when I said, "Oh! Are y'all polygamists?" In her street-wise manner, she said, "I don't even know what that is, but I do know that family is forever. My best friend is my husband's ex-wife." WHAT!!! Hold the coffee!!! "You mean to tell me that you would let someone stay in your house that your husband used to sleep with? Are you crazy?" She laughed and explained that their previous marriage had nothing left but a friendship and wonderful children. She told me that she trusted them both, but that more importantly, she maintained a philosophy about how she wanted to raise her children. She even added "You would be surprised how much an Ex Wife and a Next Wife have in common." Yup! She was nuts. I imagined some sort of perversion or dysfunction was occurring in that house, but I listened politely, as I did not want to get my bacon served raw.

Debbie went on to explain that she did not hate, dislike, distrust, or have any other emotions that overruled the love she had for her child or her willingness to work her hardest to give her child a full life. Shirley believed that her child had the right to love The Ex-Wife because she was the mother of her children's brother and sister. To her, that was blessing enough. She chose to focus on family and love instead of jealousy and the past.

I left around 2 a.m. that morning thinking that those Waffle House workers needed to step away from the heat of the grill and get a reality check. After all, hostile work environments (have you been to a Waffle House on a Saturday night?) and dehydration can cause confusion and mental instability. I threw that conversation in the "junk pile" of my mind and did not think of it until 2009.

So, when I realized that The Next Wife was going to be a part of my life, I remembered Debbie and decided to develop my own philosophy about raising a child in a split family.

My  #1 Rule of Blended Families – Love your child more than you hate anyone else.

My next blended family related blog will be – Robert Burns Warned Us about "Best Laid Plans"

Until next time, BE LOUDER THAN MOST!!!!