Blended Families: The Reality of the Waffle House Blended Family

“To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time ago.” 

― Roger Zelazny, Sign of the Unicorn

I was very naive in my perspective on co-parenting, a subject about which I am still passionate. Yet, I must eat some crow. 

First, let's back up. This particular Waffle House Theory of Blended Families has become a living blog of sorts due to the continuous changing through my personal journey. 

My whole premise of co-parenting and blended families came from experiences with how my biological parents interacted and The Waffle House Experience. In 1997, I never imagined that I would be a divorced parent. When I divorced in 2009, I never imagined that I would be a step-mother one day. I was content to live in my bubble of my relationship with my son and creating a positive blended family with his father, his bonus (step) mom, and his (step) sister. 

Yes. My Next-Wife-In-Law is my son's bonus mom and his step sister is his sister. That is our terminology and his feelings towards the both of them for the last five years. 

I felt really lucky because my son was so close to his new sister. I was, too, for that matter. It wasn't the easiest transition towards his bonus mom; in fact, he was down right awful to her in the beginning. 

I viewed her as a friend and a co-parent. Although my ex-husband and I were divorced and easily argued about things, I still felt that he was my friend and that, despite the marriage being over, I had an extended family. 

My motto was that "Family is Forever." At the time, that meant 24- hour access and communication with my ex-husband and his new wife whether it was good, bad, ugly, fun, or just boredom. 

And then, reality slapped me once again with....

"Between-Home Boundaries: Dealing with a Meddling Ex-Spouse" by Ron L. Deal . This article shook me up a bit and made me see things that I was not too happy about seeing in myself. The introduction of the article gives an example of a couple and their struggles with the Ex-Wife-in-Law. 

Deal writes, "Nicole never saw it coming. Since she had a respectful, decent working relationship with her ex-husband, she never anticipated how intrusive her fiancé’s ex-wife, Sharon, would be. While Nicole and Tom dated, Sharon seemed to keep her distance. Nicole naturally assumed that once she and Tom married, Sharon would decrease her texts, late night calls, and “show-up-at-the-front-door-unannounced” behavior. She was wrong. In fact, as soon as she and Tom were married, Sharon’s troubling behavior increased."

Upon reading this, I hung my head in shame. I had not given the space for them to grow and for us to find our natural groove. 

Boundaries eluded me. 

It carried on this way for years. 

Here are a couple of examples of my poor boundaries behavior:

• I would sometimes just stop by to visit or pick up something my son had forgotten.
• I would talk openly with both of them about personal things without gauging what topics were appropriate to discuss.  
• I would call or text any time of day or night for whatever reason. This included meal times and times that they were on dates. 

I wasn't trying to interrupt their life or be disrespectful to their marriage. Have we had our parenting tiffs? Of course. However, I was always happy that my son had stability and a whole new family that he loved. Yet, my actions seemed to silently speak the opposite of that sentiment. 

One would assume that the above boundaries would be easily understood by an Ex-Wife-in-Law (me). NOPE!!! It wasn't until I gathered a bit more experience that I realized how intrusive and demanding I had been. 

Lucky Me

My Next-Wife-in-Law has shown me a lot of grace and patience through my journey. I would like to think that because deep down she knows that I do genuinely care about her and her family; I also have a tremendous amount of respect for her on many levels. 

I swear that wasn't my goal, but I can laugh at myself. 

Our relationship, as dysfunctional as it may have been at times (especially with some crazy ex wife showing up at the door at the crack of dawn because her son forgot something...sorry), we never participated in actions that would hurt my son or his "sister from another mister." 

There weren't the horror stories of mind games, emotional blackmail, competitiveness, and attempts of parental alienation that you so frequently hear about from divorced parents. My Ex and my Next-Wife-in-Law have never lied about me to my son nor have their revealed things about my past (or theirs) that wasn't necessary for a child to know.  

The Journey Continues

As I have shifted into the role of a Next-Wife-in-Law, I have learned what a delicate situation blended families can be. 

As I move forward and learn something new about the complexities of families each day, all I can do is strive to do better and really respect boundaries. 

I can also be thankful that I was given such grace and hope that karma is kind to my backside. 

Until Next Time, 

LOVE LOUDLY!!!

Losing Yourself in Giving to Others

When I was going through my second divorce, I decided that I needed some serious counselor to understand why I have seemed to fail so miserably.

Oddly enough, my therapist suggested that I was too much of a "giver" in my relationships. I laughed at her as I remembered all the times that I threw a tantrum when I didn't get the attention that I wanted from my spouse, all the times that I took a nap instead of cleaning the house, and all the times that I focused on my friends, career, and child instead of nurturing my marriage (well, marriages).

Furthermore, there were all the times that I could have been less selfish to my family and peers. During my days as a hooligan, I was often self-serving.

After telling her that she was a couple of sentences shy of being a quack, she convinced me to explore this idea.

I wasn't quite Machiavellian, but I was nowhere close to Mother Teresa. The best way that I can describe it is in terms of Anakin Skywalker.

Life was hard when I was young. I far too aware of the ugly in the world and I was frequently bullied. As fear, anger, and sadness made my heart dark, I turned into a defensive and hateful being at times.

Yet, like Anakin/Vader, I had a love that lingered beneath the chains of the Sith.

I had little moments of giving throughout my life.

For example, my biological father made the trip to Arkansas once and he bought me some new shoes. A little girl who was raised by a single mother in our apartment complex did not have nice things. She admired my new shoes and asked to try them on for a minute. After seeing how happy they made her, I told her to keep them. My mother was floored and touched at the same time. I still wore my ragged shoes until it was time to get new ones.

As a friend, I was always the protector. Because I had no issue being a villain in the cafeteria, I would take out anyone that upset my close friends with either rhetoric or my fist. For many years, I thought that I was doing a noble service.

Eventually, I had a change of heart. After years of watching the women in my family give to those in need (that's just want good Southern women do), I began to slowly make positive changes in my life.

I visualize the change in my heart as that of The Grinch.

This is great, right? Not necessarily. I went from one extreme to the other. When I started teaching, I ended up in situations where I would do the work of others, only to get through under the bus when the lessons weren't so great or to have all credit stripped from me completely. I have had two marriages that where "give and take" wasn't the mentality, but rather an "all or nothing" way of life.

I scrambled often to find a balance and I did not.

After my second marriage finally crumbled, an event that had been coming since before our nuptials, I went overboard on the giving.

None of the giving, gave me what I needed.

I gave tremendously of myself, my time, my heart, and my worry. I gave a handful of friends loans to help them in their struggles. I bought products to help people become more healthy and feel better. I made little crafts, I created little events.

I got nothing in return, nor were the loans ever repaid (even though I am a single mom that lives on a teacher's income).

Pity party time, right? Nah. 

It was lessons well-learned. I have to be wiser with what I give and to whom I give.

There are those that will always prey upon you during low points in your life: divorce, grieving, job loss, etc. They are always dressed up as friends and as people who want to help you in life somehow. These people know how to convince you that you are valued in their life, even if their hand wasn't somehow in your pocket. Yet, it is that "dog-eat-dog" mentality of which many Americans have become so accepting.

After depleting my financial buffer in helping people that I cared about and trying to get repayment for the money that I had given during that time, I realized that those people only cared about themselves in that moment and I simply gave them an opportunity to use. I had done this in various ways for most of my life.

Are there people who appreciate me? Are their people that help me in times of need? Absolutely. In fact, I have some of the most supportive and loving people in my life that one could ask for.

It was new people and the ones that pop in and out that were taking to the point of my emotional and financial detriment. It was never the ones who have consistently been a part of my life.

At the end of the day, I think giving to others is good for the soul. I will continue to find ways to give to others and others who will sincerely benefit from whatever I have to give.

Until Next Time,



LOVE LOUDLY!!!

The Best Pope Yet

Before I converted to Catholicism, I had gained a lot of respect for Pope John Paul II.

My opinion of the following Pope was very low. In fact, one of his first acts as Pope was to bless a fleet of Ferraris; shortly there after, he warned us about the evils of consumerism during the Christmas holiday. It never settled with me.

Our current Pope truly has my heart and is inspiring, not only as a Catholic or even a Christian, but simply as a human.

Here is some advice that he has shared about living a happier life. I am so moved by his respect for others and use of common sense that I had to share.

http://thehigherlearning.com/2014/07/31/the-pope-just-released-a-list-of-10-tips-for-becoming-a-happier-person-and-they-are-spot-on/

Until next time,

LIVE LOUDLY!!!