Blended Families: The Reality of the Waffle House Blended Family

“To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time ago.” 

― Roger Zelazny, Sign of the Unicorn

I was very naive in my perspective on co-parenting, a subject about which I am still passionate. Yet, I must eat some crow. 

First, let's back up. This particular Waffle House Theory of Blended Families has become a living blog of sorts due to the continuous changing through my personal journey. 

My whole premise of co-parenting and blended families came from experiences with how my biological parents interacted and The Waffle House Experience. In 1997, I never imagined that I would be a divorced parent. When I divorced in 2009, I never imagined that I would be a step-mother one day. I was content to live in my bubble of my relationship with my son and creating a positive blended family with his father, his bonus (step) mom, and his (step) sister. 

Yes. My Next-Wife-In-Law is my son's bonus mom and his step sister is his sister. That is our terminology and his feelings towards the both of them for the last five years. 

I felt really lucky because my son was so close to his new sister. I was, too, for that matter. It wasn't the easiest transition towards his bonus mom; in fact, he was down right awful to her in the beginning. 

I viewed her as a friend and a co-parent. Although my ex-husband and I were divorced and easily argued about things, I still felt that he was my friend and that, despite the marriage being over, I had an extended family. 

My motto was that "Family is Forever." At the time, that meant 24- hour access and communication with my ex-husband and his new wife whether it was good, bad, ugly, fun, or just boredom. 

And then, reality slapped me once again with....

"Between-Home Boundaries: Dealing with a Meddling Ex-Spouse" by Ron L. Deal . This article shook me up a bit and made me see things that I was not too happy about seeing in myself. The introduction of the article gives an example of a couple and their struggles with the Ex-Wife-in-Law. 

Deal writes, "Nicole never saw it coming. Since she had a respectful, decent working relationship with her ex-husband, she never anticipated how intrusive her fiancé’s ex-wife, Sharon, would be. While Nicole and Tom dated, Sharon seemed to keep her distance. Nicole naturally assumed that once she and Tom married, Sharon would decrease her texts, late night calls, and “show-up-at-the-front-door-unannounced” behavior. She was wrong. In fact, as soon as she and Tom were married, Sharon’s troubling behavior increased."

Upon reading this, I hung my head in shame. I had not given the space for them to grow and for us to find our natural groove. 

Boundaries eluded me. 

It carried on this way for years. 

Here are a couple of examples of my poor boundaries behavior:

• I would sometimes just stop by to visit or pick up something my son had forgotten.
• I would talk openly with both of them about personal things without gauging what topics were appropriate to discuss.  
• I would call or text any time of day or night for whatever reason. This included meal times and times that they were on dates. 

I wasn't trying to interrupt their life or be disrespectful to their marriage. Have we had our parenting tiffs? Of course. However, I was always happy that my son had stability and a whole new family that he loved. Yet, my actions seemed to silently speak the opposite of that sentiment. 

One would assume that the above boundaries would be easily understood by an Ex-Wife-in-Law (me). NOPE!!! It wasn't until I gathered a bit more experience that I realized how intrusive and demanding I had been. 

Lucky Me

My Next-Wife-in-Law has shown me a lot of grace and patience through my journey. I would like to think that because deep down she knows that I do genuinely care about her and her family; I also have a tremendous amount of respect for her on many levels. 

I swear that wasn't my goal, but I can laugh at myself. 

Our relationship, as dysfunctional as it may have been at times (especially with some crazy ex wife showing up at the door at the crack of dawn because her son forgot something...sorry), we never participated in actions that would hurt my son or his "sister from another mister." 

There weren't the horror stories of mind games, emotional blackmail, competitiveness, and attempts of parental alienation that you so frequently hear about from divorced parents. My Ex and my Next-Wife-in-Law have never lied about me to my son nor have their revealed things about my past (or theirs) that wasn't necessary for a child to know.  

The Journey Continues

As I have shifted into the role of a Next-Wife-in-Law, I have learned what a delicate situation blended families can be. 

As I move forward and learn something new about the complexities of families each day, all I can do is strive to do better and really respect boundaries. 

I can also be thankful that I was given such grace and hope that karma is kind to my backside. 

Until Next Time, 

LOVE LOUDLY!!!