Blended Families: The Reality of the Waffle House Blended Family

“To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time ago.” 

― Roger Zelazny, Sign of the Unicorn

I was very naive in my perspective on co-parenting, a subject about which I am still passionate. Yet, I must eat some crow. 

First, let's back up. This particular Waffle House Theory of Blended Families has become a living blog of sorts due to the continuous changing through my personal journey. 

My whole premise of co-parenting and blended families came from experiences with how my biological parents interacted and The Waffle House Experience. In 1997, I never imagined that I would be a divorced parent. When I divorced in 2009, I never imagined that I would be a step-mother one day. I was content to live in my bubble of my relationship with my son and creating a positive blended family with his father, his bonus (step) mom, and his (step) sister. 

Yes. My Next-Wife-In-Law is my son's bonus mom and his step sister is his sister. That is our terminology and his feelings towards the both of them for the last five years. 

I felt really lucky because my son was so close to his new sister. I was, too, for that matter. It wasn't the easiest transition towards his bonus mom; in fact, he was down right awful to her in the beginning. 

I viewed her as a friend and a co-parent. Although my ex-husband and I were divorced and easily argued about things, I still felt that he was my friend and that, despite the marriage being over, I had an extended family. 

My motto was that "Family is Forever." At the time, that meant 24- hour access and communication with my ex-husband and his new wife whether it was good, bad, ugly, fun, or just boredom. 

And then, reality slapped me once again with....

"Between-Home Boundaries: Dealing with a Meddling Ex-Spouse" by Ron L. Deal . This article shook me up a bit and made me see things that I was not too happy about seeing in myself. The introduction of the article gives an example of a couple and their struggles with the Ex-Wife-in-Law. 

Deal writes, "Nicole never saw it coming. Since she had a respectful, decent working relationship with her ex-husband, she never anticipated how intrusive her fiancé’s ex-wife, Sharon, would be. While Nicole and Tom dated, Sharon seemed to keep her distance. Nicole naturally assumed that once she and Tom married, Sharon would decrease her texts, late night calls, and “show-up-at-the-front-door-unannounced” behavior. She was wrong. In fact, as soon as she and Tom were married, Sharon’s troubling behavior increased."

Upon reading this, I hung my head in shame. I had not given the space for them to grow and for us to find our natural groove. 

Boundaries eluded me. 

It carried on this way for years. 

Here are a couple of examples of my poor boundaries behavior:

• I would sometimes just stop by to visit or pick up something my son had forgotten.
• I would talk openly with both of them about personal things without gauging what topics were appropriate to discuss.  
• I would call or text any time of day or night for whatever reason. This included meal times and times that they were on dates. 

I wasn't trying to interrupt their life or be disrespectful to their marriage. Have we had our parenting tiffs? Of course. However, I was always happy that my son had stability and a whole new family that he loved. Yet, my actions seemed to silently speak the opposite of that sentiment. 

One would assume that the above boundaries would be easily understood by an Ex-Wife-in-Law (me). NOPE!!! It wasn't until I gathered a bit more experience that I realized how intrusive and demanding I had been. 

Lucky Me

My Next-Wife-in-Law has shown me a lot of grace and patience through my journey. I would like to think that because deep down she knows that I do genuinely care about her and her family; I also have a tremendous amount of respect for her on many levels. 

I swear that wasn't my goal, but I can laugh at myself. 

Our relationship, as dysfunctional as it may have been at times (especially with some crazy ex wife showing up at the door at the crack of dawn because her son forgot something...sorry), we never participated in actions that would hurt my son or his "sister from another mister." 

There weren't the horror stories of mind games, emotional blackmail, competitiveness, and attempts of parental alienation that you so frequently hear about from divorced parents. My Ex and my Next-Wife-in-Law have never lied about me to my son nor have their revealed things about my past (or theirs) that wasn't necessary for a child to know.  

The Journey Continues

As I have shifted into the role of a Next-Wife-in-Law, I have learned what a delicate situation blended families can be. 

As I move forward and learn something new about the complexities of families each day, all I can do is strive to do better and really respect boundaries. 

I can also be thankful that I was given such grace and hope that karma is kind to my backside. 

Until Next Time, 

LOVE LOUDLY!!!

Mommy Monday: In Honor of a Single Dad

In Honor of a Single Dad: Steven Young

Steve Young and Angie Dawn

The first single father that I ever knew was Steven Young; he was the full custodial parent of three children. His daughter Angie is my childhood/forever best friend. I busted into their lives in 1988 and have been a part of their family ever since.

I was at his house almost every weekend (as long as I wasn't grounded and after I finished my chores).  I was so fascinated with him when I was little. He was a police officer, so I imagined his life was like Miami Vice without the cool clothes. He was strict, yet funny. He loved to talk about genealogy and the law, but most of all he loved his children tremendously and raised them during a time period when fathers had even fewer rights than they do now.

He would give witty advice that didn't make much sense at the time, but lingered until it applied to a situation. 

My absolute favorite memory of Mr. Young happened on a fall night in 1992. I don’t remember where we were going in his red sports car, but I do remember the tween squeal that Angie and I shared when Whitney Houston’s version of “I Will Always Love You” came on the radio. 

Upon realizing what the song was, Mr. Young said, “Angie Dawn, Daddy’s gonna have you and your friend listen to the real song. You girls need to know what good music sounds like.” He played Dolly’s original and could not understand why we didn't find it as wonderful as he did. Angie and I made fun of Dolly’s warbled monologue/song the whole night.

Mr. Steven Young, a rare father of that era, passed away yesterday. He was surrounded by the children that he loved so much and raised the best that he could. I like to imagine that he has already used his charm and cowboy boots to get a date with a sweet, little Angel…..undoubtedly slow dancing to Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You.”

His passing caused me to reflect on the struggles of a single parent.

Let me ask you this: How often do we hear about single fathers? 

They are out there and struggling just like the single mothers, but things are slightly uneven. 

Look at the information below:

• Custodial mothers who receive a support award: 79.6%
• Custodial fathers who receive a support award: 29.9%
• Non-custodial mothers who totally default on support: 46.9%
• Non-custodial fathers who totally default on support: 26.9%

Source: Technical Analysis Paper No. 42, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Income Security Policy, Oct. 1991, Authors: Meyer and Garansky.

This is ridiculous, ladies!!!

Our society often talks about the plight of the single mother. Trust me when I say that it is not an easy task. Yet, it seems that too many women spend time causing drama with their exes instead of working with them and rarely do I hear a woman give her ex any credit for his contributions.

I am the full custodial parent of my son; however, knowing the value of a father, I have NEVER used my child and his time with his father as a method of attack or manipulation. I never will. One of the biggest reasons that I started blogging was to have a space to advocate for co-parenting because this little guy below, along with every other child of divorced parents, deserves that effort.

My ex-husband, his wife, and I make major decisions about our son’s life together. I am very flexible about visitation; my ex-husband and his wife have always been willing to help when I needed it (most amazingly in my recent divorce, for the record). We create plans for handling various situations like behavior problems or academic struggles. We sit together at events that my son is involved in to show him that our love for him has a solid foundation. We also try to respect all parties involved and show appreciation for the other household’s effort and willingness to work together.

This should be happening more in our society.

Has it always been easy? Heck no!!! We have had to work very hard.  My son’s father and I have been divorced for over 5 years and he has been married to his childhood sweetheart for 4 years. We all knew that we wanted to give the best that we could. We had to cry and fight through many misunderstandings, disagreements, and pigheadedness (mainly on my part: Oink! Oink!). 

WE NEVER GAVE UP!!! 

I never gave up because I knew how important it was for my son to have a strong relationship with his father. My son's well-being has always been more important than my pride. 

Regardless of any disagreement, we have never taken the vindictive route that many parents take: false accusations of abuse to DHS, unnecessary custody battles, manipulating our child by “planting bad seeds” or coaxing our child into talking badly about the other parent in a sad attempt to get information that is real, exaggerated, or fabricated.

It has been my personal and unfortunate experience to meet many women (and one disgustingly awful man) that have participated in this kind of emotional abuse and retaliation. All I can say  is that if you have done any of this, then you need to stop immediately. You may not think that you are hurting your child, but you are. 

We do the mature thing of communicating openly and honestly and working together. 

If your child's other parent tries hard to work with you, respect and honor that. We haven't always been perfect about that ourselves, but because we continue to try, our son thrives. 

The best thing that you can give your child is a healthy and respectful relationship with their other parent. I could have written about how fathers should respect and help single moms, but with my best friend's dad passing, I wanted to advocate for the other side. It so rarely happens that we honor the single dads who are busting their tails just as much as the single moms out there.

Just in case anyone forgot, FATHERS ARE IMPORTANT. 

Children from fatherless homes account for:

• 63% of youth suicides. (Source: US Dept. of Health & Human Services, Bureau of the Census).
• 71% of pregnant teenagers. (Source: US Dept. of Health & Human Services)
• 90% of all homeless and runaway children.
• 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)
• 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders. (Source: Center for Disease Control).
• 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger. (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol. 14, p. 403-26, 1978).
• 71% of all high school dropouts. (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools).
• 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers. (Source: Rainbows for all God`s Children).
• 85% of all youths sitting in prisons. (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992).

In parting, I hope this post honors the life, love, and memory of Steve Young - a dedicated single father. 

Until Next Time, 

LOVE LOUDLY!!!