Mommy Monday: In Honor of a Single Dad

In Honor of a Single Dad: Steven Young

Steve Young and Angie Dawn

The first single father that I ever knew was Steven Young; he was the full custodial parent of three children. His daughter Angie is my childhood/forever best friend. I busted into their lives in 1988 and have been a part of their family ever since.

I was at his house almost every weekend (as long as I wasn't grounded and after I finished my chores).  I was so fascinated with him when I was little. He was a police officer, so I imagined his life was like Miami Vice without the cool clothes. He was strict, yet funny. He loved to talk about genealogy and the law, but most of all he loved his children tremendously and raised them during a time period when fathers had even fewer rights than they do now.

He would give witty advice that didn't make much sense at the time, but lingered until it applied to a situation. 

My absolute favorite memory of Mr. Young happened on a fall night in 1992. I don’t remember where we were going in his red sports car, but I do remember the tween squeal that Angie and I shared when Whitney Houston’s version of “I Will Always Love You” came on the radio. 

Upon realizing what the song was, Mr. Young said, “Angie Dawn, Daddy’s gonna have you and your friend listen to the real song. You girls need to know what good music sounds like.” He played Dolly’s original and could not understand why we didn't find it as wonderful as he did. Angie and I made fun of Dolly’s warbled monologue/song the whole night.

Mr. Steven Young, a rare father of that era, passed away yesterday. He was surrounded by the children that he loved so much and raised the best that he could. I like to imagine that he has already used his charm and cowboy boots to get a date with a sweet, little Angel…..undoubtedly slow dancing to Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You.”

His passing caused me to reflect on the struggles of a single parent.

Let me ask you this: How often do we hear about single fathers? 

They are out there and struggling just like the single mothers, but things are slightly uneven. 

Look at the information below:

• Custodial mothers who receive a support award: 79.6%
• Custodial fathers who receive a support award: 29.9%
• Non-custodial mothers who totally default on support: 46.9%
• Non-custodial fathers who totally default on support: 26.9%

Source: Technical Analysis Paper No. 42, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Income Security Policy, Oct. 1991, Authors: Meyer and Garansky.

This is ridiculous, ladies!!!

Our society often talks about the plight of the single mother. Trust me when I say that it is not an easy task. Yet, it seems that too many women spend time causing drama with their exes instead of working with them and rarely do I hear a woman give her ex any credit for his contributions.

I am the full custodial parent of my son; however, knowing the value of a father, I have NEVER used my child and his time with his father as a method of attack or manipulation. I never will. One of the biggest reasons that I started blogging was to have a space to advocate for co-parenting because this little guy below, along with every other child of divorced parents, deserves that effort.

My ex-husband, his wife, and I make major decisions about our son’s life together. I am very flexible about visitation; my ex-husband and his wife have always been willing to help when I needed it (most amazingly in my recent divorce, for the record). We create plans for handling various situations like behavior problems or academic struggles. We sit together at events that my son is involved in to show him that our love for him has a solid foundation. We also try to respect all parties involved and show appreciation for the other household’s effort and willingness to work together.

This should be happening more in our society.

Has it always been easy? Heck no!!! We have had to work very hard.  My son’s father and I have been divorced for over 5 years and he has been married to his childhood sweetheart for 4 years. We all knew that we wanted to give the best that we could. We had to cry and fight through many misunderstandings, disagreements, and pigheadedness (mainly on my part: Oink! Oink!). 

WE NEVER GAVE UP!!! 

I never gave up because I knew how important it was for my son to have a strong relationship with his father. My son's well-being has always been more important than my pride. 

Regardless of any disagreement, we have never taken the vindictive route that many parents take: false accusations of abuse to DHS, unnecessary custody battles, manipulating our child by “planting bad seeds” or coaxing our child into talking badly about the other parent in a sad attempt to get information that is real, exaggerated, or fabricated.

It has been my personal and unfortunate experience to meet many women (and one disgustingly awful man) that have participated in this kind of emotional abuse and retaliation. All I can say  is that if you have done any of this, then you need to stop immediately. You may not think that you are hurting your child, but you are. 

We do the mature thing of communicating openly and honestly and working together. 

If your child's other parent tries hard to work with you, respect and honor that. We haven't always been perfect about that ourselves, but because we continue to try, our son thrives. 

The best thing that you can give your child is a healthy and respectful relationship with their other parent. I could have written about how fathers should respect and help single moms, but with my best friend's dad passing, I wanted to advocate for the other side. It so rarely happens that we honor the single dads who are busting their tails just as much as the single moms out there.

Just in case anyone forgot, FATHERS ARE IMPORTANT. 

Children from fatherless homes account for:

• 63% of youth suicides. (Source: US Dept. of Health & Human Services, Bureau of the Census).
• 71% of pregnant teenagers. (Source: US Dept. of Health & Human Services)
• 90% of all homeless and runaway children.
• 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)
• 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders. (Source: Center for Disease Control).
• 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger. (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol. 14, p. 403-26, 1978).
• 71% of all high school dropouts. (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools).
• 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers. (Source: Rainbows for all God`s Children).
• 85% of all youths sitting in prisons. (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992).

In parting, I hope this post honors the life, love, and memory of Steve Young - a dedicated single father. 

Until Next Time, 

LOVE LOUDLY!!!