Losing Yourself in Giving to Others

When I was going through my second divorce, I decided that I needed some serious counselor to understand why I have seemed to fail so miserably.

Oddly enough, my therapist suggested that I was too much of a "giver" in my relationships. I laughed at her as I remembered all the times that I threw a tantrum when I didn't get the attention that I wanted from my spouse, all the times that I took a nap instead of cleaning the house, and all the times that I focused on my friends, career, and child instead of nurturing my marriage (well, marriages).

Furthermore, there were all the times that I could have been less selfish to my family and peers. During my days as a hooligan, I was often self-serving.

After telling her that she was a couple of sentences shy of being a quack, she convinced me to explore this idea.

I wasn't quite Machiavellian, but I was nowhere close to Mother Teresa. The best way that I can describe it is in terms of Anakin Skywalker.

Life was hard when I was young. I far too aware of the ugly in the world and I was frequently bullied. As fear, anger, and sadness made my heart dark, I turned into a defensive and hateful being at times.

Yet, like Anakin/Vader, I had a love that lingered beneath the chains of the Sith.

I had little moments of giving throughout my life.

For example, my biological father made the trip to Arkansas once and he bought me some new shoes. A little girl who was raised by a single mother in our apartment complex did not have nice things. She admired my new shoes and asked to try them on for a minute. After seeing how happy they made her, I told her to keep them. My mother was floored and touched at the same time. I still wore my ragged shoes until it was time to get new ones.

As a friend, I was always the protector. Because I had no issue being a villain in the cafeteria, I would take out anyone that upset my close friends with either rhetoric or my fist. For many years, I thought that I was doing a noble service.

Eventually, I had a change of heart. After years of watching the women in my family give to those in need (that's just want good Southern women do), I began to slowly make positive changes in my life.

I visualize the change in my heart as that of The Grinch.

This is great, right? Not necessarily. I went from one extreme to the other. When I started teaching, I ended up in situations where I would do the work of others, only to get through under the bus when the lessons weren't so great or to have all credit stripped from me completely. I have had two marriages that where "give and take" wasn't the mentality, but rather an "all or nothing" way of life.

I scrambled often to find a balance and I did not.

After my second marriage finally crumbled, an event that had been coming since before our nuptials, I went overboard on the giving.

None of the giving, gave me what I needed.

I gave tremendously of myself, my time, my heart, and my worry. I gave a handful of friends loans to help them in their struggles. I bought products to help people become more healthy and feel better. I made little crafts, I created little events.

I got nothing in return, nor were the loans ever repaid (even though I am a single mom that lives on a teacher's income).

Pity party time, right? Nah. 

It was lessons well-learned. I have to be wiser with what I give and to whom I give.

There are those that will always prey upon you during low points in your life: divorce, grieving, job loss, etc. They are always dressed up as friends and as people who want to help you in life somehow. These people know how to convince you that you are valued in their life, even if their hand wasn't somehow in your pocket. Yet, it is that "dog-eat-dog" mentality of which many Americans have become so accepting.

After depleting my financial buffer in helping people that I cared about and trying to get repayment for the money that I had given during that time, I realized that those people only cared about themselves in that moment and I simply gave them an opportunity to use. I had done this in various ways for most of my life.

Are there people who appreciate me? Are their people that help me in times of need? Absolutely. In fact, I have some of the most supportive and loving people in my life that one could ask for.

It was new people and the ones that pop in and out that were taking to the point of my emotional and financial detriment. It was never the ones who have consistently been a part of my life.

At the end of the day, I think giving to others is good for the soul. I will continue to find ways to give to others and others who will sincerely benefit from whatever I have to give.

Until Next Time,



LOVE LOUDLY!!!

Out of Context: My Favorite Newlyweds: Ace and Lovey

When you grow up in the Bible Belt you become well-versed in all things that could possibly be a sin. I found myself resentful towards all the fire and brimstone and judging. That attitude hurt my faith for a very long time.

My favorite Bible verse is 1 Corinthians 13:13, which states, “Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.” If you are a Christian, you will probably agree that Jesus was all about love, sharing, and accepting. Even if you are not a believer in a Christian faith, the principles of Jesus are admirable to say the least.

Love. I could give clichés on love and I could give insight, but I am no expert. Here is what I do know: Love is something that all humans experience in one form or another, if not many.

Love is found in a wet nose nozzle from your dog (or a walk across your computer with a loud purr from your cat) after a long day. Love is found the first time your child touches your face during a feeding. Love is found when you have broken your mother’s heart, only to learn that all the things that she ever did in your life were to make you the best person possible.  Love is found in moments of silence where you find a voice of acceptance and reasoning, whether it is through prayer to a god, meditation, or experiencing nature. Love is found in a classroom when that one teacher pushes you to do your best because that teacher sees what you are capable of doing in life (Thanks, Mrs. McKinnon). Love is found in a friend who has seen you at your worst and knows when to kick your proverbial tail into shape and when to just hold you, yet always supporting you. Love is found when you find someone who takes you as you are and wants to spend their life making memories and growing with you.

Love is everywhere. Maslow has acknowledge the need for love since 1943.

There are those that will argue that a marriage between a same-sex couples is a sin. Okay. If Jesus were walking around today, he would have accepted these men and women because that is what love is about: accepting others. The Christians that I choose to surround myself do not judge others, for we know that is not our place. As a Christian, I personally look at the content of one’s heart because that is what I believe God sees. Jesus accepted, loved, and at times, humbled himself to all kinds of people despite their beliefs, status, or gender.

John Cusack gets it and he is still cute. 

Whether you believe in that theology or not, everyone deserves to experience love in all forms possible. A genuinely deep and simmering love between strong couples should be celebrated.

Considering that the divorce rate in America is approximately 50% (which Biblically is a sin), I will never understand how some people believe that allowing more people to join in marriage could be a threat to the marriage between a man and a woman. To me, this is allowing more people to experience and be fulfilled through love.

A few days ago, Pulaski Circuit Judge Chris Piazza struck down the ban on same-sex marriages in Arkansas, declaring it unconstitutional. He reminded us of Loving v. Virginia (1967), a historical case that allowed for interracial marriages to be legal and recognized.  Judge Piazza ended his ruling with the following statement, “It has been over forty years since Mildred Loving was given the right to marry the person of her choice. The hatred and fears have long since vanished and she and her husband lived full lives together; so it will be for the same-sex couples. It is time to let that beacon of freedom shine brighter on all our brothers and sisters. We will be stronger for it.

IT IS SO ORDERED this 9th day of May 2014.”

Pope Francis stated in an interview with the “Jesuit Catholic Journal”, "A person once asked me, in a provocative manner, if I approved of homosexuality. I replied with another question: ‘Tell me: when God looks at a gay person, does he endorse the existence of this person with love, or reject and condemn this person?’ We must always consider the person.”

Although the Bishop of the Little Rock Diocese is fighting the lifting of the ban, I put more weight in the words of my Pope (I am a Catholic). A statement from Bishop Taylor can be found in this article by Max Brantley of The Arkansas Times: Catholic bishop says diocese will intervene to support ban on same-sex marriage.

I do not know a single same-sex couple that is expecting every church to open their doors for a religious ceremony (the Methodist and Episcopal are completely open to same-sex marriages in the church, just so you know).  The idea that a same-sex couple is going to ruin the sanctity of a Christian marriage makes me question the strength of the marriage of those who are hollering the most. No person or couple has the power to destroy my marriage (which is Christian based) because our union is ours and ours alone. We make a choice to dedicate ourselves to making our marriage work, despite that the traditional marriage structure is currently failing in our country.

Love. Every person in this country should be given equal rights and opportunities, regardless of your personal views on same-sex marriage. Freedom of religion is a wonderful thing. Freedom from being forced to live in a society that demands you follow a specific doctrine is one of the things that keeps this country great. Sadly, the love of our freedoms are lost on those that fight so hard to deny all people equal rights, much like the similarly minded people who protested the ruling of Loving v. Virginia and protested the segregation of schools in Little Rock in 1957.

Despite an apology decades later, Hazel Massey will forever be "that" person. Don't be like Hazel Massey. 

I write this blog tonight in honor of my “Ace Boon Coon.” 

My Ace Boon Coon (the best friend that just "gets it" and would do anything for you) indulges my love of selfies. 

She spent her day with hundreds of other couples at the Pulaski County Courthouse. Although she and her partner had a ceremony years ago and have lived as a married couple, today she was given the legal right to have her significant other recognized as her spouse. Today, one of my best friends, got to experience the same joy of making a legal and acknowledged commitment to the person that she loves most. She could do this freely with love and support.

Regardless of what you believe personally, I will always believe that of all the things, “the greatest is love.” My Ace and her Lovey are officially my favorite newlyweds and my heart soars for them both. My heart swells with pride that my friend, who has loved and accepted me always, is finally being treated with respect and was granted one of her greatest wishes. 

Congratulations Mrs. and Mrs. Ace Boon Coon - Lovey