I very recently got divorced for the second time. My first
marriage, the one that resulted in my beautiful boy, could be a full novel; the
short of it is that we were married entirely too young. Rarely does marriage
work in this country, but the odds of two 20 year olds making it “till death do
us part” is almost silly. By the time we were 30, we were very different
people.
My son was 2 years old when we divorced, so he has no memory
of his father and I being together. His father married his childhood sweetheart
and I married an old college friend within two months of each other around a
year after our divorced was finalized.
My son has seen a relationship forged between his parents
that is based on his best interest and being co-parents. All of us,
step-parents included, worked very hard and through many challenges to come to
a place where we could co-parents and friends.
When I got married the second time, it was an impulsive
elopement after a romantic weekend in Eureka Springs. Although I was nervous, I
felt that it was a practical match built on a strong friendship with love.
Where I am an emotional, bleeding-heart, extroverted loudmouth, he was stoic,
calm, reserved, and an extreme introvert. Focusing on an Austen-esque
mentality, I thought for sure that it was a “prudent” match. |
| There is only one Darcy and he will forever be the fictional love of my life. |
After a short four years of marriage, it was not a prudent
match at all and we made the choice to return to being friends. Yes, I am
probably one of the friendliest ex-wives in the South.
 |
| My current Austen-esque mentality |
Through all that, my little boy had lost someone from his
life and it had to be dealt with quickly. I will forever advocate co-parenting
if possible because his father and step-mother helped in ways that I couldn't
begin to imagine. Although my kid was sad and had to adjust, he also had already
been given the basic answers that he needed, which were:
- You will forever have the love of your mom and dad.
- Divorce is never a child’s fault.
- Things will change, but it will be okay.
- When you feel sad or angry, let someone know.
To say that it was immediately the easiest adjustment would
be a lie. There were many tears, fits of
anger, manipulations, clingy tactics, mild regression, and typical responses to
losing a step-dad with whom he was very close.
My support team (my parents, friends, and my boy’s
co-parents) helped me to maintain consistency with enforcing rules and not caving
to negative behavior. This seems like a no-brainer, but it takes conscious
effort in the middle of a divorce. Part of that is because you are in your own
post-divorce haze and part of it is because you want to take your child’s hurt
away.
Falling into that haze, encouraging bad behavior, and
reinforcing the regressive behavior would do nothing, but prolong the effects
of the big life change.
I think we all try our best as parents and it will take many
years to see how it turns out. Every day is different and a challenge, but I
hope that my son learns that life is pretty much that way and you just have to
do your best.
The things that I learned through this process are:
- Some days are good; some days are not. It doesn’t make you a failure as a parent.
- Use your support system, especially when they are blunted.
- Love yourself because your child is instinctively aware of your hurt no matter how much you smile and hide it.
- Be present.
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