Losing Yourself in Giving to Others

When I was going through my second divorce, I decided that I needed some serious counselor to understand why I have seemed to fail so miserably.

Oddly enough, my therapist suggested that I was too much of a "giver" in my relationships. I laughed at her as I remembered all the times that I threw a tantrum when I didn't get the attention that I wanted from my spouse, all the times that I took a nap instead of cleaning the house, and all the times that I focused on my friends, career, and child instead of nurturing my marriage (well, marriages).

Furthermore, there were all the times that I could have been less selfish to my family and peers. During my days as a hooligan, I was often self-serving.

After telling her that she was a couple of sentences shy of being a quack, she convinced me to explore this idea.

I wasn't quite Machiavellian, but I was nowhere close to Mother Teresa. The best way that I can describe it is in terms of Anakin Skywalker.

Life was hard when I was young. I far too aware of the ugly in the world and I was frequently bullied. As fear, anger, and sadness made my heart dark, I turned into a defensive and hateful being at times.

Yet, like Anakin/Vader, I had a love that lingered beneath the chains of the Sith.

I had little moments of giving throughout my life.

For example, my biological father made the trip to Arkansas once and he bought me some new shoes. A little girl who was raised by a single mother in our apartment complex did not have nice things. She admired my new shoes and asked to try them on for a minute. After seeing how happy they made her, I told her to keep them. My mother was floored and touched at the same time. I still wore my ragged shoes until it was time to get new ones.

As a friend, I was always the protector. Because I had no issue being a villain in the cafeteria, I would take out anyone that upset my close friends with either rhetoric or my fist. For many years, I thought that I was doing a noble service.

Eventually, I had a change of heart. After years of watching the women in my family give to those in need (that's just want good Southern women do), I began to slowly make positive changes in my life.

I visualize the change in my heart as that of The Grinch.

This is great, right? Not necessarily. I went from one extreme to the other. When I started teaching, I ended up in situations where I would do the work of others, only to get through under the bus when the lessons weren't so great or to have all credit stripped from me completely. I have had two marriages that where "give and take" wasn't the mentality, but rather an "all or nothing" way of life.

I scrambled often to find a balance and I did not.

After my second marriage finally crumbled, an event that had been coming since before our nuptials, I went overboard on the giving.

None of the giving, gave me what I needed.

I gave tremendously of myself, my time, my heart, and my worry. I gave a handful of friends loans to help them in their struggles. I bought products to help people become more healthy and feel better. I made little crafts, I created little events.

I got nothing in return, nor were the loans ever repaid (even though I am a single mom that lives on a teacher's income).

Pity party time, right? Nah. 

It was lessons well-learned. I have to be wiser with what I give and to whom I give.

There are those that will always prey upon you during low points in your life: divorce, grieving, job loss, etc. They are always dressed up as friends and as people who want to help you in life somehow. These people know how to convince you that you are valued in their life, even if their hand wasn't somehow in your pocket. Yet, it is that "dog-eat-dog" mentality of which many Americans have become so accepting.

After depleting my financial buffer in helping people that I cared about and trying to get repayment for the money that I had given during that time, I realized that those people only cared about themselves in that moment and I simply gave them an opportunity to use. I had done this in various ways for most of my life.

Are there people who appreciate me? Are their people that help me in times of need? Absolutely. In fact, I have some of the most supportive and loving people in my life that one could ask for.

It was new people and the ones that pop in and out that were taking to the point of my emotional and financial detriment. It was never the ones who have consistently been a part of my life.

At the end of the day, I think giving to others is good for the soul. I will continue to find ways to give to others and others who will sincerely benefit from whatever I have to give.

Until Next Time,



LOVE LOUDLY!!!

Mommy Monday: One Son and Done Part 1 of 2

I never planned to be the mother of an only child. In fact, I had planned to have three children: two boys and a girl. The boys were going to be Joshua and Jacob; the baby girl was going to be Elizabeth Ann.

Life never goes as planned.

I spent the first six months of my pregnancy terrified that I was going to have a little girl. Despite being the oldest of three girls, I was certain that I would not know how to raise one (especially, if she behaved like I did as a teenager). 

You can see the trouble on my face at 17.

Mothers often get those odd "mommy senses" and I knew that the child in my belly was not a Joshua. The night before the ultrasound to determine the sex, "Danny's Song" by Loggins and Messina. Upon hearing the following verse, I began to weep in the car:

"Pisces, Virgo rising is a very good sign,

Strong and kind,

And the little boy is mine.

Now I see a family where the once was none.

Now we've just begun.

Yeah, we're gonna fly to the sun."

It was mostly hormonal, I know. However, there was an overwhelming sense of love while his dad and I sat in the car and sang along with the song. We were also broke, so that hit home quite a bit. We already knew that our child was going to be a Pisces (although, he just missed Virgo rising and was a Pisces, Gemini rising for those that believe that matters). It was time to figure out a boy's name...just in case.

The doctor confirmed that I was carrying a little boy the next day. He was named Michael. I relaxed at the thoughts of frogs and Tonka trucks in place of bows and tea parties. I still figured that a little princess would come into my life some day.

I have no idea how they could tell. 

Again, life never goes as planned.

I am now officially the "ONE AND DONE" mom. I am perfectly content with that title, but what I worry about is the dreaded "Baby Boy/Peter Pan" syndrome.

I have been married twice, and both of my ex-husbands were only children. My beloved aunt was also a "ONE AND DONE" to an only child. Ex #1 was raised by a single mom,

Roo's Dad = Ex #1

Ex# 2 was by a single mom turned military wife, and my cousin was raised by a military wife. All three scenarios created an environment where the mother was primary adult. Each mother (and I say this with all the love in the world) was on some level overbearing, overprotective, and/or overly involved. All of them love their sons tremendously and did whatever they thought would be best for each child in their own way.

While I have nothing negative to say about these three men as adults, I can confirm that they all struggled to overcome the "Baby Boy/Peter Pan" syndrome. In fact, I am not sure that my evil ginger cousin has outgrown it, but I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

Evil Ginger/Only Child/Cousin 

None of their mothers wanted their sons to have periods in their adult life of immaturity and co-dependency. It happened. I had heard the motivational speaker Andy Andrews state that parents should not be trying to raise good kids, but rather great adults. Having grown up in Little Rock, I was well aware of the philosophy of Catholic High School for Boys; their goal was to help create healthy men, husbands, and fathers. My momma-mission was similar.

So, what am I doing that my aunt and my two ex-mother-in-laws did to create Baby Boys/Peter Pans?

Too BLASTED much. Too over-protective/over-bearing/overly involved? Take your pick. There is such a thin line that it is hard to say.

My wonderful aunt always said, “I know that kids can do things for themselves, but why should they?” She and my father how a major disagreement because I was capable of making my own breakfast when I was four years old. She thought that I should have a freshly made breakfast; whereas my single father felt that climbing on the counter and making a bowl of cereal was sufficient. As much as I loved the attention that my aunt bestowed upon me, scaling the counter was always fun.

My son is only 7, but he prefers fantasy to known reality. He also states that he, "never wants to grow up." Sigh.

I stay torn between "letting a kid be a kid" and pushing him towards independence. As a newly single mom, my perspective has started to changed. In the adjustments that have had to occur, I have had to reevaluate who I am as a mom. I do not have the luxury of creating the "perfectly magical" childhood that I so desperately want to give him.

On a side note,  Bunmi Laditan published a fantastic article about all the insane things that moms today are doing to provide that for their children, even though it isn't necessary for a happy childhood. It is titled “I am Done Making My Kid's Childhood Magical” and it is worth the read!!!  

Kathy Caprino wrote "7 CripplingParenting Behaviors that Keep Children from Growing into Leaders" and while it is yet to be determined if my son will be some great leader, I do know that I don't want him to be dependent and unsure of himself.

He looks like a potential leader of North Korea.

Both articles provide insight that is helpful to most parents.

Using Caprino's 7 Behavior Traits as a guide, I am going to face the hard reality of how my actions as a single mom of impact my only child and his development into a productive adults.

1. We don’t let our children experience risk

Roo is a scaredy cat! His father and I were both dare devils, so it has been frustrating to watch him resist doing fun things. While he is improving, he still has break downs over new things. This may be because he was a little too young and unprepared when I took him on a Tilt-a-Whirl. In fact, he says that ride ruined the State Fair forever.

I have been one of the worst about letting him experience risk. I am a worry wart. While I did not go crazy baby-proofing everything completely, I certainly monitored him continuously. This never stopped. Infants and toddlers need much monitoring, but at some point between then and now, I should have at least let him go to other rooms by himself for more than three nano-seconds. When I started trying to create an environment of independence a year or so ago, I was met with great resistance. 

In fact, he still wants me to brush my teeth with him. At his father's house, he is very independent. Welcome to a mommy-created problem. 

2. We rescue too quickly

Boy, howdy!!! I was always pretty good about telling him to "shake it off" when there was a minor injury. I am, sadly, very weak when it comes to any perceived unfairness dealt to him by his teachers, other adults, and older children. As an educator, I KNOW BETTER!!! I have been on the other end of that conference table, but it doesn't stop the "Momma Bear" from defending her "precious little angel" who could not have possibly done anything wrong.

I have worked on this for about a year, too. I discovered that "precious little angel" told a nun at his school that I was "too poor" to give him money for the book fair. She responded by sending me the nicest letter that not only offered prayer, but financial assistance. 

The devil was ALIVE AND WELL 

when I read that letter from that nun because, in reality, he lost the option to participate in the book fair because of his behavior, not money.

As for the older and meaner kids, I still find myself infuriate with parents who don’t notice that their children are little jerks. “Boys will be boys” does not work when your child is 3 years older, 20 pounds heavier, and at least 6 inches taller. This always makes for tense situations on the playground. I look like an overprotective child of a mama’s boy and I view them as irresponsible for their budding bully.

3. We rave too easily

I don't subscribe to the idea that "every child gets a trophy" philosophy. In fact, I think that is utter garbage. 

Here I am, the mother that consistently praises every little thing that her child does. I could psycho-babble many reasons why I do this based on my childhood, but my childhood insecurities should not be overcompensated for in my own child. At this rate, his head will be so inflated by the time he is 10 that I will be required to hire a demolition team to get his head out of the door.

UNTIL NEXT TIME,


LOVE LOUDLY!!!!

The Best Pope Yet

Before I converted to Catholicism, I had gained a lot of respect for Pope John Paul II.

My opinion of the following Pope was very low. In fact, one of his first acts as Pope was to bless a fleet of Ferraris; shortly there after, he warned us about the evils of consumerism during the Christmas holiday. It never settled with me.

Our current Pope truly has my heart and is inspiring, not only as a Catholic or even a Christian, but simply as a human.

Here is some advice that he has shared about living a happier life. I am so moved by his respect for others and use of common sense that I had to share.

http://thehigherlearning.com/2014/07/31/the-pope-just-released-a-list-of-10-tips-for-becoming-a-happier-person-and-they-are-spot-on/

Until next time,

LIVE LOUDLY!!!