Losing Yourself in Giving to Others

When I was going through my second divorce, I decided that I needed some serious counselor to understand why I have seemed to fail so miserably.

Oddly enough, my therapist suggested that I was too much of a "giver" in my relationships. I laughed at her as I remembered all the times that I threw a tantrum when I didn't get the attention that I wanted from my spouse, all the times that I took a nap instead of cleaning the house, and all the times that I focused on my friends, career, and child instead of nurturing my marriage (well, marriages).

Furthermore, there were all the times that I could have been less selfish to my family and peers. During my days as a hooligan, I was often self-serving.

After telling her that she was a couple of sentences shy of being a quack, she convinced me to explore this idea.

I wasn't quite Machiavellian, but I was nowhere close to Mother Teresa. The best way that I can describe it is in terms of Anakin Skywalker.

Life was hard when I was young. I far too aware of the ugly in the world and I was frequently bullied. As fear, anger, and sadness made my heart dark, I turned into a defensive and hateful being at times.

Yet, like Anakin/Vader, I had a love that lingered beneath the chains of the Sith.

I had little moments of giving throughout my life.

For example, my biological father made the trip to Arkansas once and he bought me some new shoes. A little girl who was raised by a single mother in our apartment complex did not have nice things. She admired my new shoes and asked to try them on for a minute. After seeing how happy they made her, I told her to keep them. My mother was floored and touched at the same time. I still wore my ragged shoes until it was time to get new ones.

As a friend, I was always the protector. Because I had no issue being a villain in the cafeteria, I would take out anyone that upset my close friends with either rhetoric or my fist. For many years, I thought that I was doing a noble service.

Eventually, I had a change of heart. After years of watching the women in my family give to those in need (that's just want good Southern women do), I began to slowly make positive changes in my life.

I visualize the change in my heart as that of The Grinch.

This is great, right? Not necessarily. I went from one extreme to the other. When I started teaching, I ended up in situations where I would do the work of others, only to get through under the bus when the lessons weren't so great or to have all credit stripped from me completely. I have had two marriages that where "give and take" wasn't the mentality, but rather an "all or nothing" way of life.

I scrambled often to find a balance and I did not.

After my second marriage finally crumbled, an event that had been coming since before our nuptials, I went overboard on the giving.

None of the giving, gave me what I needed.

I gave tremendously of myself, my time, my heart, and my worry. I gave a handful of friends loans to help them in their struggles. I bought products to help people become more healthy and feel better. I made little crafts, I created little events.

I got nothing in return, nor were the loans ever repaid (even though I am a single mom that lives on a teacher's income).

Pity party time, right? Nah. 

It was lessons well-learned. I have to be wiser with what I give and to whom I give.

There are those that will always prey upon you during low points in your life: divorce, grieving, job loss, etc. They are always dressed up as friends and as people who want to help you in life somehow. These people know how to convince you that you are valued in their life, even if their hand wasn't somehow in your pocket. Yet, it is that "dog-eat-dog" mentality of which many Americans have become so accepting.

After depleting my financial buffer in helping people that I cared about and trying to get repayment for the money that I had given during that time, I realized that those people only cared about themselves in that moment and I simply gave them an opportunity to use. I had done this in various ways for most of my life.

Are there people who appreciate me? Are their people that help me in times of need? Absolutely. In fact, I have some of the most supportive and loving people in my life that one could ask for.

It was new people and the ones that pop in and out that were taking to the point of my emotional and financial detriment. It was never the ones who have consistently been a part of my life.

At the end of the day, I think giving to others is good for the soul. I will continue to find ways to give to others and others who will sincerely benefit from whatever I have to give.

Until Next Time,



LOVE LOUDLY!!!

Blogging is for the Bats

I love to write. 

I am in no way a novelist or a poet; in fact, my writing is full of grammatical errors like comma splices and pronoun-antecedent agreement problems. I know this about myself. As an English teacher, it is a source of great shame; as an English major, I am content with my extreme love of literature being enough. I am not one for quality rhetoric.

Nonetheless, I like to write and share my ideas.

I have been writing all of my life, aside from traditional academics. I used to create little picture book stories. My second grade teacher was very impressed. I created a story for her called “Ms. June Bug.” She said that I would be an author one day and a part of me always clung to that idea.

My next venture in book making was in third grade when I wrote “Frosty the Ax Murderer”, a tale of a snowman who vowed revenge for the children allowing him to melt away. Needless to say, this deeply disturbed my mother.

This idea is apparently not unique, even though it was to my mom in 1986. 

There was a time in college when I was told that I was a good poet. Upon reflection and maturity, I realized that I am a horrendous poet.  Most teenagers are, in my opinion. I have only known three people who were capable of writing poetry worth reading as teens and young adults: Sarah, Brad, and Neal. Everyone else was/is producing the same trite couplets that all forlorn and angst-ridden teens has written over the decades.

They were really wanna-be Beatniks, which turned into Hipsters. 

I love reading, analyzing, and discussing poetry. It is one of my strengths. Despite my knowledge of the technical aspects of poetry, it is far from my gift. In my early twenties, I realized that the wanna-be beat-niks who gave my poetry any ounce of admiration were actually only trying to advance their access to a (probably not-so-poetic) encounter with me. It never worked.

I had one glimmering moment of success with a short story and it is an idea that I play with to this day. I needed a scholarship and the prompt was so easily manipulated for the audience that within a few hours, I produced a piece that tugged at their heartstrings. It served a purpose and met the needs of the intended audience to get the scholarship. Although the piece had my voice all through it, it was underdeveloped and it was my sad attempt to be the next Flannery O’Connor. They say that you write what you know and what I know is Southern culture and the complexities of crazy, Southern women and the odd dynamics that are shared between them.

Still, I am no writer.

I eventually found my best form of creating when I became a teacher. I took great pride in myself for writing some of the best lesson plans out there. Maybe I am simply full of a false bravado in this department, but I own it for now.  

I have to give all the credit for this ability to the influence of my professors (Dr. Y, Dr. V, and Dr. L) and my 1^st year mentor because they all challenged me to go with “thinking outside of the box” while meeting the requirements that are set for educators. It could be that I came in at a time when many people in my profession were suffering from burn-out and had resorted to not “recreating the wheel” by utilizing online-resources. Some call that “working smarter and not harder.” I don’t have an opinion on it, either way. I wanted to create lesson plans that were true to my identity as a teacher and that I felt would be most effective for my students. I could find great ideas in other resources and through collaboration, but I still had to create what was me and was good for my students.

Yet, with the impending threat of a state-takeover and the ever-present, profiting-making corporate educational programs in our nation’s public schools, my ability to write an amazing and innovative lesson has been trampled and degraded because it did not fit the format of the corporations that is infiltrating schools across this country. I have been tied down to becoming a “YES” woman and have had all creativity stripped from me, as deviating one bit is taken as an act of insubordination instead of an act of trying to reach my particular set of students. There seemed to be no value in the success that I was producing in the classroom, or so I felt in that time and space. I, with my very vocal determination to do what is best for students, became a sitting duck that was quickly used as an “example.” With each defense that I provided, each attempt to not be bullied or wrongly accused, each attempt to keep the instruction true to the needs of the students, I became more and more of a target. I had not mastered handling these situations with grace and professionalism. I resigned myself to what I viewed as submission, but may make me a stronger educator.

I have spent my entire summer reconciling myself to the fact that I am not to be a “trailblazer” in education, but rather a “puppet.” Does this mean that I will give my students less? Absolutely not. I will continue to walk into my classroom everyday and teach each child as much as a I can with what I am told to do. I do this for me and my students – no one else. It does mean that I, like so many teachers across this country, have to face the fact that we are now merely a part of the political and corporate game that has become education.

I was very close to leaving the field, yet this was not fathomable to me. Teaching has been my dream profession since I was very young. God calls me to teach. In fact, I feel called to teach at a school that many people locally judge rather unfairly and harshly, despite the fact that we have a great amount of wonderful students who achieve great things in life and a large amount of staff with the heart and knowledge that surpasses most. I teach every child that walks through my door with all that I have because that is what every student deserves. That is the level that I choose to challenge myself to achieve every day.

Per usual, I digress.

                   

I wanted an outlet for my thoughts and opinions. I would get into these social media rants and debates. I have opinions that I want to share and discuss. The limited character space on social media makes it difficult to express it all and the unchecked emotions that come from an immediate type and click often detract from the validity of any point that is being made.

A secondary draw to blogging is that I like to talk about a wide-range of things: Pinterest fails, the crazy situations that I get into, life as a reformed hooligan, being a mom, a wife, an ex-wife, and so forth. It isn’t that I think the world cares, but, like with teaching, it is worth the work to reach just one person.

I very stupidly believed that blogging would come easily to me. I type exceptionally fast and I run my mouth constantly (hence, the title of my page).

Yet, it didn't. 

I went stale right out of the gate. I continued to make lists of things that I wanted to discuss, but did not find the time or momentum to put it down on paper.

I have two friends that are actual authors (Check them out because they are both amazingly gifted people Celia Anderson and Brad Carter). They are very different writers, but both are passionate about what they create and dedicate themselves to their craft. In fact, they have had that drive since high school.

I have lacked the dedication to even write my little rants and raves about life. Anyone who is invested in a venture professionally or personally has to create a certain amount of time and effort for their projects and goals. I spent the first half of summer moping over the last school year. After reflecting about what I needed to do to remain a teacher (which felt like a ritualistic sacrifice akin to a scene of out Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom), I began working on improving my outlook on my personal and professional life. I had to cut out a lot of negativity with myself, my environment, and my associates.

I am still more misanthropic than Polly-Anna, so don’t let any positive spin confuse you.

Yet, being able to have dreams and to survive suffering the bumps and bruises of recognizing my shortcomings, being shoved into metaphorical boxes, and learning that my spur-of-the-moment efforts are not going to cut it in life is freeing.

Being transparent and raw, is not good for the ego, but it does seem to soothe the soul and provide hope that I can still be me without all of the battles that I either create or in which I willingly engage.

Until next time,

LIVE LOUDLY!!!